I posted my question about attachment styles and autism to my females with autism Facebook group and a lady who’s also working on hers asked me a very good question: why I want to change my attachment style. And that made everything clear to me: I want to change my attachment style because numerous articles state that will be good for me, and because I was informed in the past that I have issues.
I don’t want to have issues, you know? I want to appear sorted. Also, if specialists say that changing my attachment style will be good for me, I want to try that out. But deep inside my soul I feel that disorganised attachment style is who I am. The best that I can do about that is to deal calmly with issues that this style is causing me.
Also, I do not understand why secure is meant to be the style we should be aiming for? There is nothing secure about being in a committed relationship. Things may change. Partners may cheat but also get sick, loose jobs or die. Why are we constantly being told that putting our lives in hads of just one person is good for us?
I remember, when I was a young adult, so didn’t know I was autistic at the time, I believed that people should live in communes. But I didn’t look to join any because, as communes are currently seen as being outside of social norm, they are probably attracting weirdos. I don’t want to be part of it, I want to be part of a commune that is considered a norm. Only then, I believe, I will feel secure and I will know that my needs are going to be met, this way or the other.
Living in a commune is probably not what you imagine could be good for an autistic person but this is how I feel, this is how I understand attachment.
I did hear a little while ago that autistic people have overactive amygdala, which is a part of brain that responds to danger. So possibly that’s why I’m not good with my attachment style? And never will be.
However, when I broke up with John, I stayed calm. So that was good. Then my mum died 4 days later so I wasn’t in a mood to talk about our relationship again, I needed time. I didn’t meet up with him till I felt ready. I was not impulsive. But I still felt like I had the same feelings that I had in my previous relationships, the anxiety was still there. And it really feels like this is who I am and the only thing I can do is to learn to manage it better, so that I don’t hurt other people and myself. Perhaps with time, when I see that I cope OK, I’ll get a bit better, but a little bit only – I will never truly change.
However, if you think you know how to change me to secure attachment style, please let me know – I’m open for the challenge.