Nervous laughter (that’s autistic in the radio for you)

I just came back from the radio station. Shirley, the manager, suggested that for now I should read things from my blog. I had the idea to do interviews with people but didn’t know where to take those people from, and, to be honest, what to talk to them about – I’d probably end up taking at them instead about my own view of the world. It would be like reversed interview. Which may be an interesting concept but I guess the world is not ready for it.

I was suggested to record a little bit from my blog and I chose the recent post about coping with unexpected events. But when I started recording, it all felt so wrong and I kept laughing. First of all I wanted to record an introduction and it made me wonder how on earth I became a blogger! It felt so surreal, sitting there, in an empty studio and talking to piece of equipment about my life and thinking about all those changes that I’ve been through during the last year.

I had a few go and had to finally come out to tell Shirley I can’t do that. She then came to the studio with me, read a piece she had and I somehow managed to do mine, it made more sense to me after I saw her recording hers.

Still, I was not absolutely happy. I felt stressed and my throat started hurting while I was speaking, the sentences also didn’t sound right while read out loud. It seemed like I should have added a few ‘you knows’ or ‘wells’ to sound more like I was actually talking and not reading but because they were not written down, I couldn’t do that.

I wonder now why this is so difficult, it’s just talking, isn’t it? And it’s not like I never talk to myself when I’m alone, so it should be easy to adapt this persona and just carry on. I have no idea which part of my autism is preventing me from doing that, but it is quite annoying and tiring.

It’s 15.20 now. I’m at home and I’m just drinking my tea.

I had chicken jalfrezi bake for lunch on my way home but thought I’d get a chocolate in Polish shop after that. Dark chocolates with filling are my favourite and they’re not easy to get. I was thinking, I’d eat two squares… ended up having the whole of it.

Then, when I got home I had an idea of having a sandwich. And I thought, you know what, you have to really stop that. You’re not hungry, that’s just a behaviour. You want to eat more to convince yourself you really needed this chocolate, that’s all it is. You ate it, that’s fine, nothing wrong with eating even the whole of chocolate if it’s once in a while, but you don’t need a sandwich on top of it.

I really wish I could get rid of those food issues.

And every other issue for that matter.

Autistic issues. Communication issues.

It feels to me like I’m on the edge of a meltdown now. I’m never going to be able to do that – talk to a piece of equipment! How? It feels so f***ing wrong!

How other people are managing that I don’t quite know.

It seems to me like I knew what I wanted to say but when put on the spot (piece of equipment) I couldn’t do that, it all got blocked somehow, even though that was just a trial. The fact it was a trial didn’t put my mind at ease at all.

And it seems like, if I’m autistic, it should be easier for me to talk to equipment, not more difficult. There is actually this expression that we, autistics, talk ‘at’ people, not to them. We miss non verbal clues, we ignore hints and when we try to focus on those, it makes us tired. So talking to a piece of equipment should be easier for me, shouldn’t it? Piece of equipment doesn’t give nonverbal clues for me to understand. And yet, I cannot do that.

But maybe it’s only because it’s something new? But then, if that’s the case, why I don’t know that? My mind is just totally blank. I don’t understand.

How can I talk to a piece of equipment? The idea makes me feel like the entire world has been turned upside down!

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