The concept of ‘deserving’

It is said, that it’s us, autistics, who get social situations wrong. I wonder whether that extends to psychological and social concepts? But then, what about neurotypicals who seem to put how they feel above everything else, and especially above pure logic.

Like this concept of ‘deserving’ good things in life. The events that I’d like to experience don’t happen to me because I believe I don’t deserve them? But I could say, if I deserve them, why they didn’t just happen? If I deserved having a normal family, why my dad had mental health breakdown?

And now I’m thinking, does Putin deserve to be a leader? Of course he doesn’t, but he is one. How does that work together? Or maybe it’s not about actually deserving but just believing that we do? But then, did I cause my dad’s mental health breakdown, as a five year old, by not believing that I deserve a normal family? Did people of Ukraine caused war by not believing they deserve peace?

Of course all of that doesn’t make sense, and yet, those concepts are widely popular in neurotypical community. Can someone explain to me how it came to that?

Other than the above I think I’m getting better. It seems like my metal tiredness is slowly lifting. I’m not quite sure if I should go to Poland now? I’m not really worried about the war being extended to my native country, at least I hope it won’t, but I doubt it will be a pleasant trip. It was never meant to be this way to begin with but I’m worried it may be even worse.

The Friend is getting really stressed. She said she saw some extremely distressing videos on YouTube. I didn’t manage to find them though. I’m not sure it woud be good for me, but I guess I wanted to really feel like this is happening. Not that I don’t now, but I guess on some level it is difficult for me to understand that is the current reality. It always seems to me like the extreme events won’t happen, either good or bad, and life shows that I’m wrong, although that mostly applies to bad events.

I’m going to the radio tomorrow, I hope I’ll be ok. A little bit of mental tiredness can actually do me good – it is the excess energy that makes me say all the wrong stuff. Keep your fingers crossed for me then.

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