My dream

I had a dream that I came to the care home to collect mum for leave. It took a while to get her meds right and I watched TV news while waiting, where I found out that my cousin, who is a nurse, was taken to employment tribunal by her employer for being disrespectful to a black colleague.

Mum was able to walk and she talked normally, she was just a little bit confused. I felt guilty for keeping her in the care home.

When I woke up, I felt that I was actually grieving. I felt incredible sadness and probably also all the other emotions that one is supposed to feel in this situation. But those feelings quickly disappeared and now I’m numb again, although I feel a bit guilty for never collecting mum for that leave. I don’t know where this is coming from as it wouldn’t be possible for me to take her. She couldn’t walk any more, and to be honest she probably wouldn’t want to go anyway. She was a bit scared of even leaving the building the last couple of times I saw her. I remember, the weather was great, really warm and sunny so I wanted to take her to the garden and she said no. That’s how she explained that: she was scared she’s going to fall. Even though she was in the wheelchair.

It’s 2am now, I wonder if I’ll be able to fall asleep again? I don’t really feel like it at the moment, but then not sleeping enough will only add up to my tiredness. I’ll try then. Goodnight.

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