I had my visit to the dentist and I was numbed, so I feel numbed. It’s a very smart sentence, isn’t it?

I think I should feel lucky as the infection cleared off in both of teeth that I was worried about. I didn’t know that is possible, I thought one day I’ll just wake up with enormous pain. Still, it took me a few years to visit a dentist, and it’s not because I’m scared of the pain, it’s because I didn’t feel they communicate well. And not just dentists, pretty much anybody – I always need to translate to myself what people are saying and it takes so much extra effort that I’d rather not do anything at all. But today was ok. I could even relax and reflect on how depressed I am.

I also had an appointment with GP today. GP asked me quite a few questions about my mental state and he really focused on my suicidal thoughts. I don’t normally have them now that much, but sometimes they appear. I’m not particularly scared of them any more – I think they got less intense since I realised that they are just a sign that the game I’m playing doesn’t really work for me and I want to end it: I mean, end the game, not life. It’s like if my instinct believed that if I kill myself I will be reborn and everything will be easier.

Weather is quite bad today but at least I don’t feel guilty for wanting to spend the day in bed. I was signed off work for two months. I’ll collect my sick note tomorrow (or maybe they’re available online now?) and take it from there.

Oh, and also I’m dieting now. Intermittent fasting is not quick enough for loosing weight. I do apologise but I’d like to be slim again. At least I have something to look forward to this way. So maybe I’m not totally numbed? We will see.