How I really feel?

I noticed the last couple of days that my blog posts become significantly shorter. I seem to stop analysing my feelings. And in fact I don’t feel that drama in my chest that I used to feel when things didn’t go according to plan. So if I don’t feel drama, I don’t need to post about it. But I don’t know if not feeling drama means I suddenly started coping with my feelings much better or maybe I’m just emotionally frozen?

It’s really strange, you know, I mean, coping with bereavement. I think I couldn’t really imagine that it will ever happen to me. Obviously, logically I knew, but I couldn’t imagine it.

I feel scared at the moment, but I don’t know what I’m scared of. Probably not anything outside of me. Probably it’s just some internalised, general fear? Possibly fear of life, of the fact that it may not work out for me, the same way how it didn’t work out for my dad.

This fear seems to fill in the whole of my chest. So maybe that’s why drama is not there anymore?

I do not know what to do with it. It also feels unfair for me that I have fairly good life while my brother is ruining his with drinking. I can’t stop him from drinking, this is not possible, and, unfortunately, I believe also that he’s too far in his self destruction journey for anything to work for him. So it seems like I should ruin my life too, in order to be fair towards my family.

My mum always made everything look like it’s ok. It was not ok, but I suppose that was the best she was capable of. Who is going to do that now? I don’t want to see the reality. I’m fed up. And I also feel like it’s not fair: why life is expecting me to deal with this? Everything is getting progressively worse. I have social disability and yet, I’m in a situation that an average neurotypical would find difficult to cope. But I have to.

Can I be adopted by a nice, neurotypical couple that will show me how to organise me flat and keep reminding me to shower every day? I want people around me who don’t have any major problems, so that I can live up to them. And maybe I could even learn from them some life tricks, even if they’re not autistics, like me.

I have the phone consultation with GP tomorrow, but surgery refused to give me time and when I agreed for it, I didn’t realise that my dentist appointment is also tomorrow. It may be a bit difficult to speak on the phone with my mouth wide open. Ideally I’d not do anything about it and just hope the GP is going to call after but I guess it will be better if I go to the surgery on my way to the dentist.

Do you think I’m sad? Or maybe rather confused? I just had a look at my list of feelings and nothing matched. I will try to describe how I feel: I think I’m disappointed and I want to refuse life for being how it is. But I can’t, so I feel like I want to protest. What feeling is that? But I know I can’t protest to anyone – no one in the entire universe is going to do anything about my family problems. It’s just me, a tiny human being in the sea of family drama. There is a land further away but I don’t know if I manage to get there as I’m not a very good swimmer. What feeling is that then?

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