Coping with bereavement feels so strange to me. I could never imagine that it will happen to me. Obviously, logically I knew, but I couldn’t imagine it.

I feel scared at the moment, but I don’t know what I’m scared of. Probably not anything outside of me. Probably it’s just some internalised, general fear? Possibly fear of life, of the fact that it may not work out for me, the same way it didn’t work out for my dad.

I do not know what to do with this fear. It also feels unfair for me that I have fairly good life while my brother is ruining his with drinking. I can’t stop him from drinking, this is not possible, and, unfortunately, I also believe that he’s too far in his self destruction journey for anything to work for him. So it seems like I should ruin my life too, in order to be fair towards my family.

My mum always made everything look like it’s ok. It was not ok, but I suppose that was the best she was capable of. Who is going to do that now? I don’t want to see the reality. It’s not fair that life is expecting me to deal with this. Everything is getting progressively worse. I have social disability and yet, I’m in a situation that an average neurotypical would find difficult to cope.

Can I be adopted by a nice, neurotypical couple that will show me how to organise me flat and keep reminding me to shower every day? I want people around me who don’t have any major problems, so that I can live up to them. And maybe I could even learn some life tricks from them.

Apart from fear I also feel something else. Am I sad? Or maybe rather confused? I just had a look at my list of feelings and nothing matched. I will try to describe it: I think I’m disappointed and I want to refuse life as it is. But I can’t, so I feel like I want to protest. What feeling is that? But I know I can’t protest to anyone – no one in the entire universe is going to do anything about my family problems. It’s just me, a tiny human being in the sea of a family drama. There is a land further away but I don’t know if I manage to get there as I’m not a very good swimmer. What feeling is that then?