That’s how I feel right now – again. It’s 4.40am and it’s Monday. I only just woke up, after having a strange, disturbing dream: I visited my family home and, as I was walking through it, I felt that depressing energy that was trying to suck me in. It was like two black holes, one belonged to my mum and one to my dad. And I wondered how my brother can live there, because I wouldn’t be able to.
And then I woke up.
And I wonder now, maybe that’s where I take this ‘no future’ idea from? Maybe it’s not even the fact that I’m autistic, but much more the fact that there was never any future for my family. My mum did some travelling and was also an actress in amateur theatre when she was in her late 60s and early 70s and that was a massive relief for me, the fact that she had something going on for herself even though she’s elderly, but my dad would spend the entire day in bed, day after day, for several years. So he didn’t have any future. And now my brother is a heavy drinker, so he won’t have any future either.
And it feels to me like I shouldn’t have it either. But it’s not about ‘deserving’ like neurotypical counsellors like to call it. It’s about an algorithm: I’m just working through an algorithm for my family.
A few days before I went anonymous, so around 10 days ago, I started visualisations to deal with this ‘no future’ mindset and it seemed like it worked well for me. But maybe it’s not a magic solution for everything? Maybe emotions need to be worked through? I don’t know. And anyway, how do I do that if I don’t understand what I feel?
And anyway, I said I’m working through an algorithm. Are any emotions involved in it? I don’t know. I don’t understand. I guess I’ll just make myself a cup of coffee and try to survive till daytime. And hopefully things will be better then.