I just found this video made by Purple Ella, an autism advocate and entrepreneur. I find it very interesting when Ella said that when she feels negative emotions she needs to find a problem and will attribute this problem to that emotion and then tries to deal with this problem. It’s interesting that Ella knows she’s doing that, but will do that regardless.

I wonder what she would say if she knew I broke up with The Boyfriend because of things randomly appearing on my mobile screen?

I don’t suppose this is how I experience emotions, although I suppose our lifestyles are different – I live on my own so have loads of time for self reflection, while Ella has husband and three kids.

I kind of remember that possibly I was reacting in similar ways when I was living with my previous partner. We shared a small studio flat in Warsaw and that probably weren’t best conditions for two undiagnosed autistics. I wonder if it would be any different if I knew I was autistic? Probably it wouldn’t… which then makes me think that I’m not meant to be in a ‘normal’ relationship.

With John, yes, I broke up with him because of notifications, but I really did feel we had a problem – I didn’t make it up. The problem was that I didn’t feel like I can fully commit to my blog because he wouldn’t support me writing about certain subjects. I also thought that he’d expect me to put myself into trouble (and I kind of don’t blame him, because that’s what I did a lot during our relationship) so I had to show him that this won’t happen even if I’m on my own.

Possibly living on my own is what I have to continue for my sanity? Again – I don’t know. Emotional life is just so confusing. But I miss John.