I’m rushing to say that I feel quite ok today. The fear that I’ll spend the rest of my life in bed is mostly, although not entirely gone. It bothers me a little bit that visualisation is always associated with New Age, as this is certainly not what I am interested in and want to recommend on my blog. We all need to remember that I’m doing visualisation only to convince my annoying, autistic brain that future is possible and will definitely happen. And it doesn’t have to be a bad one.
Today is the day when I was meant to go to Bristol for coffee morning in my agency and see John in the afternoon but there were severe weather warnings so I told John two days ago I’m not coming. I mean, I probably also wasn’t in the right state of mind to see him, so it worked out OK, I guess. Otherwise I’d either go and be miserable or have to cancel on the last minute, which could then make him feel like I don’t take his perspective into consideration.
The problem with being autistic is not only, how people say, inability to predict how other people will feel in certain situations, but also the inability to predict how we will feel. And it is really confusing to me that at first, after my mum died, I seemed to be doing fine and was only annoyed at my brother for the funeral drama that he organised me. It only came later that I started feeling sad and vulnerable. So I’m wondering now, what is going to come next?
I don’t feel like I can be around John and be happy, and, although I am sure he would understand, I don’t want him to see me like that again. It is the irony that after I met him my life started falling apart. I often thought that he deserves a better girlfriend than me, someone who would be happy and wouldn’t put themselves into trouble. What happened, happened, we can’t change it but I’d like the future to be different.
The weather is actually not too bad so far (it’s 10.15am), it is really windy but it’s also sunny and it’s not raining. I’d wouldn’t call that severe weather condition at all, but who knows, it may get worse later on. Swindon Council got really prepared though – I received an email yesterday about the weather warnings and the email stated that all the libraries in town will get closed for today. I don’t really understand why? It’s not like books are kept in tents that may collapse because of wind?
I’m wondering now whether I should go to town? It’s not like I need anything and it will certainly require me to force myself to get up from my Nabru sofa. Possibly I’ll do some more visualisation and decide later? Or, if I wait for a bit maybe the weather will go bad eventually?
I sometimes have trouble to force myself to do all the normal things that people do. Like even getting out of the house. It seems to me, when I feel low, that things should come naturally to me, that I should want them. If I don’t want to go out, then it means that staying indoors will do me better. I’m not sure if it’s true? I think for now I’ll stay in and continue doing my visualisations. Maybe that will make me want to go out at the end?