A lot of people seem to think that autistics are robotic and have no emotions. I think this belief is really damaging to us and I am not totally sure what causes it? I guess, perhaps the fact that we don’t communicate our emotions? Still, you would think that before making such an assumption one would try to establish more facts. Didn’t I say on my blog neurotypicals love stereotyping?

The ‘no emotions myth’ was exactly what prevented me from entertaining the idea of me having Asperger’s when I first started reading more about it in 2009 or 2008. Mind you, that was before someone came up with the idea that autism in women presents differently than in men.

So basically I am prone to strong emotions but I have the idea that my emotions are caused by different factors that neurotypical people emotions. Like now, for example, after my mum died, I first seemed to be unaffected – it made sense to me that it was her time and I was aware for good couple of months that she wouldn’t be able to support me with anything any more. I think, after my last visit to the care home, when her dementia become apparent to me (it was good that I lost my ID card and had to stay longer) I kind of felt like I was ok with her being in the last stage of life. I had time to get used to the idea she’s slowly leaving me. So when she died, I wasn’t shocked, although I did think it was somehow early.

And yet, I feel extremely emotionally unstable now. And it’s not because I miss mum. And please, don’t tell me that I am a bad daughter – the blog is to record how I think and feel, so I’m recording my real thinking process.

Basically I feel so emotionally unstable because it feels like there’s nothing else for me to look forward to. My only close family now is my alcoholic brother. There is nobody else. There is nothing to hold on to. And it’s not even that I need people for emotional support – neurotypicals are absolutely hopeless in that, constantly saying the wrong thing, one after the other – but I need them as symbols. I need to know that other people close to me have their life sorted and are coping. Because that means life is manageable, so I’ll cope to.

If I see there’s nothing there, except of my alcoholic brother, I start second guessing myself even more that I would normally do. I start feeling like I need to make special effort to be able to survive but I don’t know what that effort has to be exactly. It seems like I have to reject all the ideas I have in my head and come up with something totally new for everything, or I will not cope.

I don’t even know what ‘not coping’ means. Don’t ask me – I won’t be able to explain that. I know that I have a flat and my mortgage is paid off so even a part time job would be enough for me to support myself, and yet, I still feel I won’t cope.

It is the transition that is the issue. I just can’t imagine that the life will continue and that’s why I feel so emotionally unstable.

I can feel emotionally unstable about a lot of things transition related. I really didn’t like when we had influx of new staff at work. It wasn’t even that I was anxious of new people – I really wasn’t. It was the change of social dynamic and the fact that I felt out of control. And I think this is the reason why I shouldn’t have permanent job in care, because those changes happen all too often there.