That’s how I feel frequently. That, possibly, talking about emotions means we’re not coping. While saying ‘when my mum died I was off sick for two months’ is absolutely ok, describing the emotions that led us to go off sick is not.
Feeling desperate is probably the most taboo of all the emotions out there. I feel desperate a lot lately. I’m thinking that I want my life to be different, but it doesn’t want to be. I want to be important for somebody. And although I can certainly say I was important for John when we were together, I used to dump a lot of my feelings on him. And then I felt bad about myself for doing that because it made me feel like he sees me as a weak person.
Now I dump my feelings on the blog that everyone can read. It’s not elegant, is it? How do you imagine me when you read this? Probably in my pj and a dressing gown and with greasy hair. And possibly my pj top is stained with coffee that I poured on myself the other day. Is that how you see me now?
Difficult emotions are not elegant. They belong to counsellor office and not anywhere outside. I wonder how neurotypicals do that that they manage their emotions better? I can’t. It feels to me that if it wasn’t raining I’d go outside and scream. I wonder whether neighbours would call the police? Would I get sectioned again?
My internal world feels so raw now. I’m wondering, will I get any haters for speaking the truth about how I feel? I think feeling bad is what makes us more susceptible to bulling.
Should I be ashamed of my feelings? And putting them on the blog? Doesn’t it look like I’m not coping? But I am not coping.
I thought yesterday that I’ll be able to make myself feel better. It worked yesterday but it doesn’t today. So possibly I should take another route and stay in bed till the desperate feeling goes away?
Sometimes when I’m really sad or angry I think of those facebook posts where people claim ‘I’d rather listen to your story than attend your funeral’ and you know what I think? That those posts don’t apply to me. That if I really wanted to talk to that person, I’d end up rejected very quickly. And I wouldn’t even know why.