As my blog is about recording how I think and feel I need to provide an update after yesterday night time meltdown. I guess I am not too bad, although I feel shattered and also, just slightly on the edge.
I think I will be staying at home today, although it’s possible I’ll go out to get something nice to eat. I’ll probably decide around 3pm, which will be in two and half hour. There is this wrap place in Swindon, where food is absolutely delicious but just slightly pricy so I wasn’t eating there at all when I was unemployed. I kind of miss it.
I’m managing to do lighter form of fasting (so having small snacks instead of proper meals), which is ok for days like today and it’s still beneficial.
What I mean by ‘for days like today’ is: when I feel on the edge. I rarely feel like that now, but I remember it used to be quite often in my 30s, after I broke up with my ex partner, worked in very social place, did online dating and exercised at the gym regularly. I didn’t know what was going on and was thinking that possibly I have borderline personality disorder. I don’t think I’d actually meet diagnostic criteria as I didn’t display any risky behaviours, but I felt like if I had it, does that make sense? And I felt like that every single day.
The thing is, borderline personality disorder is a common misdiagnosis for autistic women, and for some men probably as well. But it’s not autism that makes us feel this way, it’s the ‘faking it’ effort that we put ourselves through for hours at a time.
After I tried to unmask I felt significantly better, but that didn’t last long as Home Group drama started shortly afterwards (you can find more about this under workplace bulling tag).
But then, is unmasking an answer to everything? Is ignoring people what we should be doing? And anyway, is ignoring people what WE really want? Or possibly we only start ignoring them because we don’t want to be put in situations when we don’t know what to do otherwise than start masking again?
As I said yesterday, the chat with the lady at work was mostly pleasant and definitely met some of my social needs. The question is, however, how do I get those needs met without pretending to be somebody who I am not? And anyway, possibly people see that my body language is exaggerated and they think that’s strange? Maybe they are confused about who I really am?
But then, before I started doing that, I mean that heavy pretending, I’ve heard so many times to behave differently. Where’s the sense? How do I navigate that now, and what if it’s too late?
I remember that feeling that I had when I was younger, that every time I’m with somebody else, I pretend, I play a game. Heavy masking is a difficult game to play while unmasking, when I put no effort into controlling my body language, tone of voice, and what to say, it’s an easy one, but it’s still a game, it’s still a behaviour that I have to consciously choose. And both of them seem to be pushing people away in the long run, although the unmasking game does that a little bit quicker.
You wouldn’t want to be me now. It’s not fun at all.