How does ‘on the edge’ feel?

I mentioned a few days ago that, even if I’m aware of my feelings, I can’t usually name them (although I have no problem with sadness). I also mentioned that I don’t understand how my ability to name feelings would help. My understanding is that, as long as I know how the feeling feels like, it should be enough.

I mentioned today that I felt on the edge due to earlier meltdown and I thought later, I’ll try to explain to you how this feeling is caused and why severe masking is so damaging.

Imagine that you’re at work and you have an important meeting. Let’s say it’s around 10 people, you’re all sitting at the table and everyone will have to give a talk about how their job is progressing. And only, there is one more person in a room, standing behind you and constantly poking you at the back with a stick. You want them to stop but they’re not reacting and you don’t want to raise your voice and cause a scene. No one else seems to be bothered.

The meeting lasts around 3 hours and the person keeps poking you the entire time, even when it’s your turn to speak. And your only choice is to keep your cool, control your body language and make constant attempt to look professional. Can you imagine how exhausting and upsetting that would feel?

That’s how heavy masking feels like. And we know we make all this effort while everyone else has it easy and still gets better results.

Does it surprise you that I get bitter about the fact that some other people are being supported to fulfil their potential while I can’t even be myself?

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