I can’t do this any more

It’s close to midnight when I write this post and I feel quite uneasy. I was thinking earlier on to suggest to John that possibly I could come over to his place and we could talk but when I was at work today I suddenly got the idea that’s not the right thing to do. It would not solve any problems. I love John a lot and I believe he’s the best person I’ve ever met. Not just the best guy but the best person out of them all. However, there are still problems involved.

I never met his parents. I’m not even sure they know I exist. It wasn’t the right thing to do to be honest when I was focused on Home Group drama and certainly not when I was trying to recover from my psychotic episode. But then time pases and it just looks like he’s hiding me.

Once we actually started planning to visit the area where he was brought up and where his parents still live but it turned out Shropshire was much closer so we went there instead. We wanted to go to his parents the following year but I got sectioned two months later and then pandemic started.

I guess part of the problem is the fact that John didn’t tell his parents that he’s diagnosed autistic and our autistic identity takes a lot of space in our relationship, so all that would need to be hidden if we went to see them.

But if I ever told somebody about it the reaction would probably be to explain to me that he’s not taking me seriously and only keeps seeing me for sex. Alternatively the person would just keep quiet but had exactly the same opinion. And what I’m supposed to say for that? ‘I don’t think so because when I offered him casual sex he refused’ sounds really silly and out of place. So I barely speak about him, which then probably makes people think that we have a problem and that’s why I don’t want to talk about my relationship.

And yes, we have a problem but neurotypicals are so focused on stereotypes that it’s actually shocking.

And it feels to me now that if I continue to see John the things will never change. Even if we talk about them and agree that we want to change them. I doubt we have the ability to make changes. Change requires conscious effort to do things differently and I don’t think we can cope with this.

But if I don’t get to meet his parents, I will feel like he’s hiding me and that will have detrimental effect on my self esteem and will cause another breakup later on.

I wonder whether John understands how I feel. It is said we, autistics, don’t see other people perspective, but I think I can see his perspective quite well. Sometimes it’s easier for me to focus on his perspective rather than on my own. It’s so easy for me to forget the negative emotions I experience due to this situation and instead focus on why John may find it difficult to arrange for us to meet his family even though he loves me. It’s not just seeing John’s perspective, it’s almost like if I take his side in this conflict. Strange, isn’t it? I was doing exactly the same thing with my first partner. But I know now that behaviour doesn’t lead anywhere and it will only make me more likely to start drama later on. I don’t know, however, how to behave differently. It also doesn’t make any sense to me that certain behaviours make change more likely to happen than others.

I really don’t want to lose him but I feel so hopeless right now. And I can’t talk to anybody about it because people really don’t understand.

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