I really recommend the above video for you to watch, even if I don’t agree with everything that is being said there. I really like what Jonathon says about how we, women, are responsible for emotional connection in the relationship. I noticed other dating coaches don’t get that part right and are telling us, women, that men should be doing all the work in the relationship. It is well known fact that men are less connected to their feelings than women so where that theory about men doing all the emotional work in a relationship comes from, I do not know.
It makes me think now how I can solve the problem with John? If I’m better at navigating emotional and social issues then possibly I should help him? But how? I can’t talk to his parents on his behalf (although I believe he gave me their number at some point, just in case something happens), he has to do that himself. He needs to find a way to stop hiding me.
What I don’t agree with in Jonathon advice is the constant reminder about not having sex before you really get to know someone. That advice marginalises women sex drive (we have it, don’t we?) and anyway, when you really fancy somebody it’s very difficult to put this aside and focus on ‘getting to know them’ instead. Jonathon mentions the oxytocin theory in many of his videos and I wonder how much truth there is in that and how the research was done? I guess to research that properly women would need to have a blood test done shortly before and shortly after an intercourse with a man that they find attractive. I assume it could be difficult to do that in reality so possibly it is just a theory that never got tested?
The problem that I have now has nothing to do with when me and John had sex (I think it was 4th date, if someone was curious). If anything, we would have more problems earlier on if we waited longer. My theory is, if you give in to desire and enjoy the moment you create beautiful memories that you can go back to in the time of crisis. And if it turns out that guy is actually not for you, you naturally move despite having sex with him. Or at least that is my experience. But if I didn’t try that myself, I’d believe in the oxytocin theory. While, in fact, the two situations where I couldn’t move on after relationship didn’t work out were actually when I didn’t have sex. One of the situation I already described here in the post titled The most bizzare dating situation I’ve ever experienced – or something similar, the second was a guy who’s life fell apart. That’s another important story that possibly I should share here but I’m a bit concerned about how many details to give. He certainly moved on and has a family now (and I’m happy for him) but if I don’t give many details it will feel like the story is not real. If I do, he may be recognised. I mean not now, as I don’t have many readers, but possibly in a future. I’ll think about it, maybe some minor details could be changed without affecting the main meaning? But anyway, that was a story when I chose not to have sex with him, then I broke up and then it was me who couldn’t move on. Things in life are not as easy as we are told to believe.
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