So basically yesterday, after having two long midday naps, I had two evening naps and when I woke up at 22.30 I decided it’s time to actually go to sleep so I changed into pj, brushed my teeth and slept till 7.40am. I’m sure my psychiatric nurse would be proud of the progress I made. If I keep this up, I mean oversleeping while going through difficulties, instead of insomnia, my risk of developing another psychotic episode would go down to zero. I think I slept around 18 hours in total. I still feel a bit sleepy now to be honest but I try to keep alert. I have to do some shopping, I have barely any food at my flat and I really need some for tomorrow and the day after to take with me to work. I’m off today, which is good.

John answered my email yesterday and although he didn’t say he’s not interested in me no more I was not very happy about his response. He said I stated multiple times that our relationship was bad and asked what I want from him in that case. It felt to me like the only way to answer that would be by saying that no, it was very good, he must have misunderstood me. It was very good, really. It felt like there’s no space for the truth in my answer, and the truth was that our relationship was very good in a lot of ways, but not all, and I don’t want to play a role of the person who constantly needs online emotional support. He also didn’t say what he was really thinking about our relationship and if seeing me every other weekend (or sometimes even less) is satisfactory for him. There was no space for me to ask if he preferred to spend time online with me over seeing me face to face.

I guess I don’t have to follow procedures when I discuss emotional issues, do I? It looks like this is another problem of mine that presents me from getting to the bottom of things: following procedures in my communication. I think I’ll give this a bit of time and then email him and say what I just wrote here. I wish I had all that self awarness when I was younger.