I don’t know how I feel

This is apparently normal for us, autistics. I mean, not that I never know how I feel: when I’m upset, I’m usually perfectly aware of that. But now I’m really confused. Not only I don’t know how I feel, I also don’t know how I’m ‘supposed’ to feel. Perhaps my confusion is caused by years of trying to fit in, when I not only tried to behave like other people do, but also feel what I thought people would feel in a certain situation.

Is it normal that I write posts about dating and sexuality just after my mum died? Should I not be grieving instead? But how people behave when they grieve? I suppose they cry. But I can’t. Tears just don’t come out, except of that brief moment yesterday evening. So if I tell myself that I should be crying but can’t do it, I will feel even more upset.

Are my posts inappropriate for the difficult time I’m going through? But the purpose of my blog is to record how I feel and what I think about my life events. Being autistic I proces things differently than most people. So I won’t be deleting anything, even though I am aware some people may find it strange. I wrote about sex several hours after my mum died. But then, she had to die at some point, wouldn’t you agree? She was 80 and a half. She actually lived a long life considering all the illnesses she had and with her dementia progressing I didn’t want to remember her as the person she become. I was planning to go to Poland possibly in March or April and spend some time with her and I regret that it won’t happen, but then I kind of feel that it was time for her to go. It is still sad to realise that time passes, that some things will never happen again, but there is nothing I can do differently to make it a bit better. So I don’t want to cry.

The funeral is at 1pm Polish time, so noon where I am. I was thinking to buy a candle and light it at home, but then I use candles sometimes to create relaxing atmosphere, so that doesn’t feel appropriate now. Maybe I’ll buy flowers instead? I’ll see.

My legs are aching for a couple of days now. It’s varicose veins, I get it every time when I don’t move much for a couple of days. Another thing people don’t understand. Even though varicose veins are not visible as such (I had surgery to remove the big veins) it doesn’t mean it can’t hurt. I suppose it’s a bit like mental health? Strange comparison, wouldn’t you agree?

I popped into a cafe on my way from work. My favourite one only opens at 9.30am and I was in town at 8am so I went to a different one and coffee was bitter. I didn’t buy any cake or pastry, I’m trying to create a new habit. Every time when I went to a cafe I used to order coffee and something sweet to eat, even if I wasn’t hungry. So I thought, I really need to change that so that I can still sit in a cafe and enjoy the atmosphere without having any snacks as they add up to my daily calories intake. I thought that skipping on cake will make me upset and annoyed but I’m actually OK so that is my little success.

I still don’t know how I feel though. And how I’m supposed to feel. I have an idea for another post about dating advice. Would it be inappropriate if I write and publish it today?

My mum couldn’t live forever, wouldn’t you agree? So why do I have to grieve? I don’t understand. And what is grief anyway? Can someone explain that to me? Or maybe not because it will only make me feel bad that I don’t process things the same way.

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