I just got an email newsletter titled ‘How to cure sore throat naturally’. I thought, I didn’t have a sore throat in twenty years, so I deleted it without reading. And then I shivered. It reminded me of the fact that I am possibly in danger from my brother. Possibly. I mean, I still wish to believe that he wouldn’t do that, but then… he really lost touch with reality. He can get very angry about perceived unfair treatment and has no understanding of how his own behaviour makes people react to him the way they do. He was very angry that mum didn’t give him money towards home improvement but when he borrowed some from the neighbour, he spent it on alcohol. It looks to me like he really doesn’t understand the cause and effect here. And that is what murderers are like. They blame other people for their own mistakes for years and then attack them.

I spoke about it with The Friend and I’m really grateful that she said, yes, that is possible actually. I think so many times people say something that they don’t believe in, or maybe don’t understand the seriousness of the situation but they want to be nice and sound supportive so they say they’re sure it’s not that bad. And then we, autistics, believe them and reject the little understanding we do have, because, we tell ourselves, we must be overreacting.

But it’s not impossible, is it? People murder family members over money even if there is no alcohol involved. Or they murder them because they’re jealous and angry that their own life doesn’t work out, they do that even if there’s no money involved. So what about me and my brother, where there are both of the factors involved? I mean his anger and our inheritance. Omg, the way I just explained it made me suddenly feel like it’s almost certain. Like if my brother may actually kill me.

It still didn’t sink in, obviously. I don’t know it if ever will but it does make more and more sense every time I think about it.