My Sunday

I still feel reasonably calm, considering what is happening and I also managed to sleep OK last night, the same like the last couple of nights. It was six hours only, which is not a lot since I started using Sleep School app but considering what I am going through and the fact I didn’t take any tablets it really is a good sleep. I also need to note that I didn’t have almost any suicidal thoughts, which were normal for me during times of severe stress.

I really do think that blogging is what helped me to achieve this level of emotional regulation. I think the most important thing about blogging is that I admit my feelings and make space for them, while at the same time I make an effort to communicate them in a calm maner. I think what happened was, with time I learned to think about my emotions in a calm maner, even if I’m upset.

I did have two or three instances during the last couple of days that suicide quickly crossed my mind but I somehow managed to shake those thoughts off without even making much effort. It kind of happened automatically. This is such a big improvement in comparison to September, when I was in Poland and had to transfer mum to a different care home. It was so difficult at the time, I don’t remember how often I used to have suicidal thoughts at the time but it I remember I had them a lot.

What I realised at the time, however, was that for me suicidal thoughts are like instinctive way of attempting to finish the game I’m playing: the situation doesn’t work for me so I subconsciously want to get out of it and hope that if one game finishes, another one will start. Of course I know this is not true, I only mean that is what my instinct is telling me. Instinct can be good sometimes but at other times it can get us into troubles.

The other thing that I think is really useful in blogging is the fact that I make space for myself to be me. I may not have a lot of readers, but that doesn’t bother me. Just the idea that I blog gives me this sense of reassurance that it’s ok to feel anything that I feel and think anything I think. I did hear a few times in my life that I shouldn’t think the way I think and it felt really wrong. Just putting my thoughts on the blog makes me feel like I’m challenging people: this is how I think, you better get on with it.

It is difficult now, when I know that I’d never see my mum again. I will probably never visit my family home too. Our family situation was never easy and what is happening recently is that it’s getting even worse. I woud so much like if I coud talk to my brother normally, tell him to behave himself and stop drinking and if this could work. But I know it won’t. Talking to him doesn’t change the way he thinks. I really don’t understand why he is like that. It started before he become addicted (or at least before we become aware that he has serious problems in this area): he had this set of preconceived ideas that were so far away from reality that it was quite shocking, but explaining to him that he’s wrong would only get him agitated and stubborn.

This is my family now: my brother. I have nobody else.

I kind of got used to the idea that I’m not going to my mum’s funeral. I think not being to my dad’s makes it a bit easier to accept, which is not what I expected. I thought that the fact I wasn’t able to go to dad’s funeral would make me more angry now, but actually it seems like I’m just following a pattern.

I also don’t know if I want to see my mum’s body. I’m sorry to say that. I want to remember her alive, not dead.

It’s so difficult to accept I will never see her again. She will never cook my favourite cabbage soup. We’ll never go for coffee. Just a year ago she was here, with me, annoying me with her bossiness – I’d so much want that to come back but I have to move on.

Managing my emotions better makes it easier for me to take care of myself. I did have loads of problems with taking showers the last couple of years. I find it difficult to say why that happened, I used to love showers and found them really relaxing. I think it all started with Home Group drama although I can’t explain what it was exactly that changed my attitude.

I also cooked a simple dinner today: vegs and chicken stew with potatos. It wasn’t anything amazing but it was good enough and also I didn’t overeat.

I realised recently that I often reach out for simple comfort. That is why I overeat, drink to many cappuccinos, spend time in bed or on the sofa under the duvet, play online games and wear old jumpers (I love old jupers, I’m sorry). Again, I’m not really sure how I got to that stage. I used to like makig an effort. I guess it could partly be due to the fact that making an effort never got me where I wanted to be: I never had the friends I wanted, the body I wanted, the career that I wanted. My life is not bad and I try to appreciate that but it is not what I was really hoping for.

I’m going to work tomorrow again for 24h, so I may be unable to post. That makes me think, however, how much I appreciate having a blog.

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