I was at work yesterday for 24h (which includes sleep in) and although I could technically post on the sleep in shift, I didn’t feel like it. It was a bit of a difficult day, considering what I’m going through but sometimes it really is much easier to focus on work.

Yesterday in the morning I briefly checked Facebook and saw an ad for graved vintage chairs that looked to me like gravestones. I mean, they only looked like gravestones to me at the time because I think about cemetery and funeral a lot. Seeing this add put me in a mood that you would normally experience during a well arranged funeral. A few minutes later I saw a different ad on my puzzle game:

And you know what came to my mind? ‘This is just a funeral: putting dead body into the grave’. Terminal means something final, that cannot be undone. And the card on the image represents coffin while the actual terminal represents the grave. Again, I only saw that this way because I was thinking about funeral a lot.

That ad got me really scared and also made me realise that could be how I will feel during my mum’s funeral. I’m sure my brother won’t arrange anything fancy and I could feel really disappointed. I mean, it’s just a funeral but then, I think, I wouldn’t want it to feel like if things are out of place, totally different to what I am used to.

I managed to speak with my brother yesterday briefly and he told me that I should still be able to make it and anyway somebody else said that Tuesday really suit them. Somebody else? I thought I’m the daughter and should have priority, but not for my brother apparently.

I could probably make if I really rushed but the thing is, I am expecting it to be a traumatising experience and if I rushed, I only make it worse for myself.

If I have to be honest, I’m not sure I want to see my mum’s dead body. I want to remember her how she was when she was still alive. Also it feels to me like by rushing I’ll confuse my instinct: people rush to see someone who is still alive. So I will be following procedure for seeing an alive relative and when I get there I’ll see dead body in a coffin instead. I think that could really make things much worse for me.

What I sometimes do in similarly difficult situations is that I don’t make any decisions and see how they work out if I just behave normally. But the thing in this situation is that if I don’t make a decision I won’t be able to go.

I didn’t know that’s how nasty my brother can be. I should have known, I suppose, as he was doing things before, but I always had this idea that when he sees how serious the situation is (like illness or death) he will do the right thing. So I’m not going for my mum’s funeral. The life decided for me.

The last two night were actually the first times that I managed to fall asleep normally, without taking any tablets, despite of being under severe stress. The Sleep School techniques are really valuable, I’d suggest everyone to try it.