Why I don’t admire John Gray (Men are from Venice or whatever)

I bet you know who I mean. This guy, who I believe has PhD in human psychology (can one have PhD in animal psychology actually?), who wrote a couple of books about men being from Mars and women being from Venus. In general the conxept is great and he has some insights, I can’t deny that. Or possibly one insight only: that men need to spend time on their own sometimes so that they can experience emotional intimacy again. This is about it, there’s not much else there.

I am petrified that his books are often recommended as containing relationship advice for autistic women. Did anybody actually read them, and the website, before putting him on the list?

First of all, his advice doesn’t cover the reality: he barely mentions men who don’t want to commit and never those who pretend they want relationship when they just want to have sex. One could think those men don’t exist, or possibly, if we think we met one of them, it’s only because we misinterpret things. Yes, that’s what we must be doing because dr John Gray never mentions them and we’re autistic so we often get things wrong!

Second, his advice is not focused at all at how to establish if the guy is right for you. He doesn’t explain at all that sometimes, even if the guy likes and respects you, his family may not and that will make the relationship difficult. Or possibly you may have different values. It’s all about ‘attraction’, ‘letting him chase you’ (are we, women, hares hopping through a field?) and ‘forgiving’. Seriously, if you have a lot to forgive, possibly your man is mistreating you? But that’s dr Gray most important advice for making martiage last: apologise and forgive. But what exactly? What about having healthy boundaries instead? This advice can actually create a ground for a woman, especially autistic one, to accept emotional abuse. How come no one can see that? Seriously!

I just read on dr Gray website that to make a man feel more attracted to a woman, a woman should ask him for advice on something. Well, let me think… we should definitely ask our men for advice. Asking someone for advice is a great way of getting to know their priorities. If you are in a relationship you should definitely know what your partner’s priorities are. Without it it’s going to be difficult. Yet, dr Gray reduces everything to ‘attraction’ and doesn’t reflect at all on the fact that a man’s advice can tell you what kind of person he is. Does he not know that? Being his age and having Phd in psychology you would think he should be aware of it. Yet he doesn’t mention that. Is he hiding that simple truth from women? That’s not very nice of you dr Gray.

And the best thing that I’ve just found is on this screenshot:

This is about men tendency to become distant. So if he ‘experiences intimacy before he is ready’ (what does that mean? Does dr Gray possibly mean ‘sex? I am aware that’s how neurotypical people sometimes refer to it) he may not come back. If he ‘gets close to a woman’ (again, in what sense?) before he experienced ‘chemistry on all four levels’ he may not come back. So let’s now all worry if our men experienced spiritual chemistry before we have sex with them. If they didn’t, they may not come back.

Like if we didn’t have enough to worry already. Are our legs shaved properly?

But you know what that means to me, an autistic woman? If I forget about the fact that neurotypical people sometimes say ‘intimacy’ when they mean ‘sex’? It means to me that if you become friends with a man he may not come back after he realises he likes you as a woman. That’s what ‘getting close to a woman before experiencing chemistry’ means to me. But then, how do we know what dr Gray actually means? Well, maybe I should ask him? He will be very pleased to read my post, that’s for sure. I hope though he won’t start chasing me? He looks rather short and I’m 5’11. I wouldn’t be interested, not even for all his valueble knowledge.

I’m sorry dr Gray for being that direct.

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