So basically my brother doesn’t want to do anything regarding organising my mum’s funeral. I spoke with him again yesterday and he said he can barely walk but ‘will try to do something’. Today the neighbour called me to say that he wanted to speak with my brother but he is never in. Why is he not in if he can’t walk? Typical.

So now the neighbour is trying to organise my mum’s funeral, if he can. I’m fed up. I need to make phone calls but I hate speaking on the phone, especially when I’m upset. I’d rather go in person. But I’m not there!

I just started that new job, and yes, everyone would understand, but then, why do I have to face those choices? Flights are not available as often as they used to be. Our national airlines used to have two fights a day to Warsaw, now there are two a week only. February is the coldest month of the year and sometimes the temperature can be as low as minus 20 and I’m oversensitive to cold. I feel like I just can’t do that. I’m almost angry with my mum that she didn’t wait at least two months.

And I have to do a covid test before departure. Can’t stay at home, I don’t know if the hostel is going to be warm enough, also it’s over 30 minutes walk from the town centre and hotel is a bit expensive for a longer stay.

It’s so difficult to make any decision at all. At times I think, maybe I should just go there and get on with it, but then I think I’m enabling my brother.

I used to read a lot about enabling an addict and I now wonder, who came up with that? ‘Don’t to anything, let him face consequences of his actions’. What consequences? The only consequence will be that mum won’t have a funeral and he’s clearly not bothered. Or, possibly, if he is, that doesn’t mean he will do anything about it.

The only consequences that my brother is worried about is that his electric is going to be cut off. I take it from the fact that he has the ability to pay the bill. Anything else he’s not bothered. And let’s be honest, I’m sorry if I’m too direct here, but he is perfectly aware that no one is going to dump mum’s body into the house only because he’s not doing anything.

Of course everyone now knows he is like that and everyone is becoming his enabler. Would my brother take any responsibility if he was left alone with things to deal with? I highly doubt it.

My mum really didn’t seem like she was enabling him, yet he become very skilled at twisting every situation into someone else fault, someone else responsibly. Nothing can be done about that any more, he will never change. Yet, he somehow believes that he has everything under total control and that other people should live up to him! Omg, why, why do I have to deal with this and how long for?

I’m so fed up and I’m sorry, I just want him to disappear forever. Still don’t know if I should go to Poland now or a bit later. My brain is unable to weight pros and cons, that’s why I’m not contacting anybody. I want the entire world to be gone.

I spent the entire day today playing block sudoku and at some point I didn’t even have a drink for 5 hours. I felt like even that was too much trouble. At least if the pandemic was not here and travelling was as easy is it used to be. Why? Why do I have to go through this? Maybe I just won’t go. If I don’t the neighbours will get my brother to do something. He will have to.

I wish.