Well, I am from Eastern Europe, definitely, but I’m not a loser, does that make sense? And yet, some people treat me like one. Don’t get me wrong, most British people are lovely, but not all. Some ask strange questions like for example ‘How come you have two bedroom flat if you’re single?’ They’re not satisfied with the answer that I bought it. Possibly because I don’t communicate that with my face expression and a body language, but then, what I’m supposed to do about that? Join acting classes? I doubt that would even work. If one is tune deaf, they’re not going to learn to sing. If I tried to communicate my intentions with face expression, I’d end up making loads unusual faces and people would probably think I’m making fun of them. Having those two choices I’d rather play the loser role, as at least it’s more respectful (you see, I’m focused on how other people feel around me, you wouldn’t expect that, would you?) but it’s not something that I want to adhere to indefinitely.
There may also be other questions, like for example if a parcel gets delayed I’m getting questioned if I’m sure I didn’t see it. Like if they are suggesting that I stole the content. Seriously, why would I steal two size S jumpers and a junicorn hat? I can buy my own, if I wish so.
When I was working full time in a care home, I used to pick up overtime, and most of the time there was loads of it available. Although, obviously, I wouldn’t do that if it wasn’t paid, money was not my main motivation. My motivation was that the shifts need to be covered and if I do that then I know that things are ok. I think I have an emergency responder in me, that’s why I was doing it. Yet, occasionally I would feel tired and refused. And guess what, some people would get very funny with me if they couldn’t find a cover. But why me? It’s not like I have to cover shifts every time they are available, it was not in my contract. And again, I didn’t know how to react to that.
With the money I managed to save up by doing this overtime I used to go abroad. I was away every other month at some point. I would always stay in a hostel though and it was cheaper, but also, I didn’t really mind. As I already mentioned here, the more human beings are around, the easier it is to ignore them. I thought the travel was making my life more exciting, and yet, I used to have that team leader at the time who managed to make me feel bad about it, like if I was, well yes, a loser from Eastern Europe, easily impressed by the fact that finally I had money to go abroad. And yes, that is true, there was no way that I could have done that with my salary when I lived in Poland, but then, why make me feel bad about it while she took out 5k loan and didn’t even know what she spent money for. When it started snowing one winter she bought wellies because she couldn’t afford any other shoes. Yet, she was out in a pub drinking cocktails every weekend. I always had winter shoes, because I was told by my mum that winter shoes are priority. That team leader made me feel that I had winter shoes because I’m a loser from Eastern Europe. Does that make any sense to you? Well, it did to her.
I’m fed up with how even the fact that I’m sorted and know my priorities can be twisted by some neurotypical people to make me feel bad. Why neurotypical people do that? It is so often being said that it’s us who say all the wrong things and make people feel bad, but what about the situations when neurotypical people do that to us?
I suppose the only difference is that we do those things completely unintentionally – we make people feel bad when we don’t mean it, while when neurotypical people make others feel bad it’s totally intentional. Yet, it doesn’t get covered in the press. And not that I want to put every time it happens on my blog – I’m not that desperate for content, don’t worry. Just mentioning.
I’m wondering if the fact that I blog will make people treat me any different? I already stated that blogging helps me to manage my emotions, but how far the benefits can go? It’s too early to say. For now I don’t even tell people that I have a blog. It’s not that I want to hide it, it’s more about making the shift. I wasn’t a blogger and now I am. I can’t even imagine how people would react to that so I prefer to not discuss it.