So that’s what happened: I have no family now. My brother is not a family, he can’t offer me any support – even now, in this difficult situation he says to call him tomorrow. I wonder if he comes for a funeral, although he apparently went to dad’s. Or at least that’s what mum said. That was in lockdown and I couldn’t go.
My autistic instinct is telling me that I can’t be a member of two families, that it would be too much. So I couldn’t organise myself my own family because I already had one, even though I moved out ages ago. And now I don’t have anyone.
That’s how it often feels to me – that I need to be alienated in order to feel good. But then, when this need gets fulfilled I want to have people around me again and they are not there because, when I felt like being alienated, I alienated everyone for good. I wish people understand.
Now I feel alienated but not by choice. It’s difficult. It’s 2.30am and I doubt I’m going to get any more sleep. I want my mum to be alive again, to make jokes and cook pierogi for me. I don’t want her to have dementia. I want her how she used to be earlier.
I can’t describe my feelings. I don’t know if I’m sad. Although at certain times during blogging I was able to say that yes, I am. But now I don’t know what emotions I feel. I just wish things were different.