‘Everyone does that’

I was writing this post when I received the phone call from my mum’s care home. I then left it but then I thought, I may as well finish it and grieve afterwards.

This one will be about the fact that creating society where having sex early is considered normal is not really that good. Not even for men. Obviously blaming women for expressing their sexuality freely is not good and I’m sure loads of women find way to make that freedom work for them, but for us, autistic females, it may not really work as it’s confusing.

If a guy doesn’t understand something in a woman behaviour, his default explanation will be that she’s doing that to manipulate him into a relationship. The exception is probably only when a woman plays ‘hot and cold’ which may be caused by the fact that she didn’t fully processed her feelings for the man and the man then thinks she is just playing games for the sake of it.

Now imagine that you live in a society that tells women not to have sex early in a relationship because man will not respect them. And imagine that a particular woman decides to seduce a man on a first date, or maybe even before an actual date and she enjoys it. What will that man think? Will he think that she is doing that because she wants to find a husband? No, that wouldn’t make any sense. If she wanted to find a husband, she would refrain from sex for quite a bit. So the guy will think she must be an independent and confident woman with high sex drive and she chose him because she fancied him. It is then up to him to decide what he is thinking about her choice and if he wants to meet her again (she’s probably not that bothered) but at least he gets an ego boost.

Also the woman, if she went against the rules, must have known what she was doing. So she felt in control.

And now imagine that the same behaviour happens in a society where casual sex is considered completely normal. Still, everyone knows that women experience their sexuality differently than men do. That possibly women don’t have orgasm every time they have sex and especially not when they have sex the first time with a particular man. Well, possibly that doesn’t apply to every woman, but I’m pretty sure to most of them. So by having sex early, the same way that you’d have coffee with him, you confuse him. He doesn’t know why you are doing it and if you fancy him or not.

If having sex early is against the rules and man seduces you then at least he thinks you gave in because you felt powerful desire. If you give in in a society where having sex early is absolutely ok and then you don’t enjoy it that much, you confuse him. Men don’t understand the fact that possibly a friend told you it’s normal so you want to try and then, when you’re already naked, you realised you don’t really feel like it but you don’t want to look stupid so you let him go ahead with it just to be polite.

Yet, at the same time, when we’re already in a relationship, we tell our men that they need to control their desires because wanting to have sex when you have a headache is disrespectful towards you. How is this disrespectful? Come on, sex can actually cure headache! I mean, use common sense, if you just came back from A&E after an accident and he insists to have sex then he’s an idiot, get rid of him. However, in most circumstances we should not deprive our men sex. Why do we see it as a problem?

Men don’t see their sexuality as a problem, they see it as a gift and they want to meet a woman who will see it the same way. But then, in a society where everyone does casual sex, or at least that’s what we’re told, the fact that woman gave in means nothing to a man. I mean he may enjoy it on a physical level but he has no emotional satisfaction, no ego boost out of it.

We are constantly being told that sex is all what men want. No, it’s not true, and if you make a man think that you consider him that alfa male, he will refuse casual sex if he can’t be in a relationship with you. Seriously, it happened to me more than once.

And the thing is that in our society now it’s not that easy to show the man that you consider him an alfa male, because if ‘everyone does it’ then it doesn’t mean anything, does it?

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