I can’t grieve

Possibly you find it strange that I post just after my mum died. But I’m not doing that for attention – I don’t get much of that from the blog. The purpose of the blog is to record how I feel and think but also to unload my emotions. Before I started blogging I used to email The Friend when I was going through difficulties. I’d email her several times a day and then, when I got better, I was joking she doesn’t have to read those emails. But because they were for her only, I never put much effort into organising my thoughts into sentences that would be comprehensible. As a result I felt out of control. I felt like I wasn’t coping because what I was writing didn’t make any sense and yet, I couldn’t stop myself from writing more.

Now, when I have a blog, I know my writing needs to make sense so I put effort into organising my thoughts. The proces of organising my thoughts is already helping me, I also think that because I managed to organise my thoughts I’m not in such a bad state, so that makes me feel better too, and then I think I created a content, which is a real bonus.

Also posting every day or almost every day gives me a chance to properly record how I am thinking and feeling. Hopefully one day someone will find my blog and use it to work out how autistics really think.

So basically at the moment I find it difficult to grieve. When my dad died, I felt intense grief straight away, even though I didn’t have a relationship with him. Or maybe because of that? Now I just want all of this to be over. I mean I want the funeral to happen as soon as possible and I don’t really want to think too much about it.

I ate supper, like every day and even had some ice cream after. I was briefly in touch with John (The Boyfriend), today and yesterday. I told him that I love him and he said the same thing. We didn’t discuss getting back together, however, if there’s still love and desire between us I can’t see why that wouldn’t happen but maybe not this week.

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