I have a feeling that I already made a post with this title but then I can’t come up with anything else – I do feel incredibly sad.

The last couple of days I was so focused that it was almost like being in a trance – I didn’t do anything except of thinking what to write on my blog. I barely ate, but I still had drinks of course. It was really strange, but then, I guess, I wouldn’t write those posts about sexuality and testing men. It feels strange to me, I feel old and unattractive which is possibly slight exaggeration but then that’s how it feels, like if I shouldn’t have any idea because of my age.

But as I’m 44 I have life experience. I had time to work all that out. I mentioned here, a few posts away that guys always treated me well – ok, I do have a couple of bad experiences too, that I’d rather not discuss here, at least not now. I may come back to it a bit later, I don’t know. But the thing is that after every negative experience I reflected on myself so that the same thing never happened to me again. And it did not. So my general experience is that guys always treated me well and when I wrote that in the other post, I wasn’t even thinking about the negative ones, I kind of forgot about them. Only later I realised that yes, I had a few bad experiences, but they didn’t traumatise me, if that makes sense?

And because I’m not traumatised, I can enjoy guys company and take time to get to know them instead of worrying whether that particular man is going to treat me well. That’s what I wish every woman can experience, autistic or not. And to get there you need to focus on positives. Try to become friends with guys, if possible, those from your work or university, try to see things from their perspective and understand their jokes. If you know a nice guy who you don’t fancy, ask him for dating advice. He may tell you things that other women don’t know. Like for example that, yes, men want to have sex with any woman if they’re single but they would still prefer to meet the woman of their dreams and have sex with her instead.

I sometimes think, how come I can’t see things from other people perspective (that’s what my diagnostician said) but then, when I was at the university, where there were plenty of men around, some of them would come to me for dating advice? Possibly I focus on men perspective more? I don’t know. But those men wouldn’t have come to me for advice if I was a bad listener.

I didn’t reach out to John (The Boyfriend) yet and I don’t know if I should do that or not, or possibly not yet. I managed to shake off that feeling of loss but I still love and fancy him. He may not be the best communicator in the world but overall he’s the best guy that ever happened to me. I do hope he reads my blog and doesn’t mind that I revealed his first name here.

I’m not sure if I will continue writing about relationships and sexuality. I think I already said what I had to say, but if someone contacts me about their difficulties with men, I’ll try to help.

I think the most important thing for us, autistic females, is to remember that men test women, whether they are interested in proper relationship or just casual sex. And if women fail those tests men will disrespect them. The easiest way to fail a man’s test if you’re looking for a relationship is to become easily impressed with his efforts and think that they mean he’s really into you.