I need to admit to something really silly here, I broke up with The Boyfriend because of notifications. I got myself into similar situation before, when I made decisions based on what appeared on my mobile phone screen. It was silly and rushed but I didn’t actually regret it later as at least it helped me deal with a problem that I was avoiding dealing with for a long time, and found very tiring. Still, it’s a bit silly of me to do that this way.
I’ll give you an example of notification here: yesterday I was thinking about me and The Boyfriend and was getting rather sentimental, although I didn’t cry any more. Perhaps it was because a little while before I reached out to him and he responded. It turned out he reads my blog btw. So I guess there is some hope there.
So I was getting sentimental and then those two messeges appeared on my messanger chat, that I’m part of, a chat for autistic people in Swindon. The first one was a quote with an image and it stated: ‘You must master new way to think before you master new way to be.’ And someone responded to that with: I approve the sentiment but thinking is dangerous.
What it meant to me at the moment was: no sentiments, no thinking! Really strange because, when I looked at it later it’s not what it says at all! It looked really like if someone switched words when I wasn’t looking!
So what I mean here is that first I twisted what I saw to mean it what I thought I needed at the time and then I was just about to let that twisted information to influence my decision making process.
Luckily, I managed to shake off that feeling and told myself that I’ll be sentimental and I’ll be thinking when I decide that those two things are good for me. I managed to do that because I was dealing with the problem. It’s when I don’t do anything to deal with problems that I let those random bits of information to influence my thinking. So if I didn’t feel like I’m dealing with the problem, those two messages would probably make me decide to contact The Boyfriend again and tell him it’s definitely over. Do I say that someone put those messages out there for me to provide solution? No, not at all. But they seem to be like those missing pieces of information that I need to make my puzzle complete – they just fit in the moment!
This is, I suppose, because I try to solve complex social problem by logic. And that is not the best way of dealing with it. And what is the complex social problem? It’s that the relationship with The Boyfriend doesn’t bring me happiness any more, even though I love and respect him. It feels impossible to actually say what is wrong there. We never argue and he always says the right thing. How he loves me and wants to support me. Never brings any issues up. Never once complained that he’s tired of my problems. I didn’t think much about it till a few weeks ago, when we had a friend over for lunch and she brought us a present. When John opened it, it turned out to be a plush toy and he was so happy and grateful! And I thought, that cannot be right: a grown up man, an engineer, getting extatic about a plush toy? That doesn’t seem right, does it?
I of course tried to be polite when I received it, and anyway, it didn’t matter what it was as I didn’t expect anything, but I didn’t act like I was immensly grateful and he did. It then made me think that the fact that he says the right thing doesn’t mean that he means it. But if he doesn’t, what it is that he really thinks?
I felt for a while that our relationship is not going well, but I couldn’t find words to explain it. I can however find an image in my head that describes exactly what I sense: our relationship was like overstreched chewing gum made of that strange material that if you stretch it even further, to the point that it breaks, you will never ever be able to make it into one piece again.
But we didn’t overstrech it. I cut it suddenly with a sharp razor blade.
As I said earlier John admitted yesterday that he reads my blog. But, just in case he missed this post, then please tell him, if you see him, that I still think about him. He’s 6ft tall and has black wavy hair.