Again, I was thinking whether to put this on the blog or not, but then sexuality is an important part of my existence and my experience, as an autistic female, seems to be so much different from other autistic females or even non autistic females, that I just cannot omit it on my autistic blog.
First of all, it is said that we, autistics, can’t understand other people intensions and that is needed in order to find a man who really wants to be in a relationship with us and not is just using us for sex. Well, obviously it is true, up to a point, but then I’m crap with understanding other people intensions and I was never used for sex by anyone. Moreover, I was in situations where I wanted to be ‘used for sex’ and it was the man who refused. Believe me, it did happen. More than once, as I say.
I am pretty much in a situation where I know that if I want to have sex, my only options are the men who are so creepy in trying to convince you that they want a relationship, that they don’t even listen to what you are saying, tell you that they love your blue eyes when in fact they are green or start a first date with confessing that they ‘always wanted to marry a Polish woman’. Those men are not fun to be around and again, I’d need to pretend that I want a relationship too, that I’m desperate for one, because otherwise they wouldn’t make a move on me. This is too much trouble and the sex with that men would not be fun for sure so I pass on that.
The second type of a situation when I can have sex is, when I’m actually in a relationship. If I’m in a situation where there is a mutual attraction but I’m not sure if I want a relationship, then the man either tells me to get clear in my intensions as he’s not interested in friends with benefits situation, or, if he’s not in a position to offer me relationship, like for example when he lives far away, he just plainly refuses.
I mean, I hooked up with men online twice or possibly three times in a past, when I was single for a bit longer, but then that wasn’t fun at all. It was not traumatic, just not worth it. I guess there was no attraction there as attraction needs time to build up. Attraction is a game and if you know what is going to happen before you even meet that person, there’s no need to play that game and it all goes rather blah. However, at least I tried and I can now reflect on that experience and I know it’s not for me. It amuses me that one night stands are so widely accepted in the society while having sex with a man that you actually fancy but he’s not sure regarding his intensions towards you it’s not and we’re are constantly being told that we’ll ‘get hurt’. I don’t know, possibly my experience is different because, as an autistic, my emotional reactions are delayed and maybe neurotypical females are getting hurt in similar situations?
But then, should we be teaching autistic girls to try to work out sex and relationships with emotions, societal expectations and reading body language, which is exactly what we are crap with? And all that while we have that powerful drive called instinct, that can be very strong for an autistic person. And sex is controlled by instinct, so we, autistics, should be better at it.
Again, I wonder if my experience is what it is because I was brought up in a relatively poor country. I don’t know if it’s any different now, but when I was younger people there didn’t spend much money on dates, because they just couldn’t afford to. Girl willingness to eat whatever on a date was actually considered a good sign that she will be a suitable life partner, while in the UK people seem to use man’s willingness to pay for dates as a sign of commitment! Seriously, where people get that thing from? Especially while loads of men have money so they can easily affor to pay for girl’s dinner, even in a fancy restaurant, and it will still be cheaper than a prostitute. I’m sorry for being so explicit here but that is true, we have to get it out there.
While in Poland, as people couldn’t spend money on dates, we had to use different means to work out if man is taking us seriously. And girls could get so creative with that, I salute some of them. It was a game where no holds were barred, seriously. I found that all really confusing, maybe not even assesing if guy is treating me seriously, as that didn’t usually bother me, but if I treated him seriously. What if I fancied him but he had some annoying habits? How could I know how that was going to work out? I didn’t. I had no ability to predict the future, even the very close one. So I finally came up with the solution that I’d tell him that I fancied him so let’s explore this and leave everything else out of the equation because otherwise he’s annoying me. And that’s when it started: he wants to improve, he wants a relationship, it will be him who will ask you if you’re taking him seriously and gives you ultimatum, believe me. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re beautiful or not, if you wear fancy clothes and if your nails are done.
It took me a while to work out why that was happening but I know now that it was because I lead with my instinct. Instinct is what I’m good at, so I used that instead of trying to apply societal expectations or use external signs of his interest (like for example how many times a week he calls) and sexual attraction is an instinct so it worked. If I tried to apply instinct to choose the best mortgage it probably wouldn’t work, does that make sense?
I also realised with time that what society is teaching us about sex is all wrong and has no disregard for instinct. We really have to get clear on that. Men are better connected to their sexuality, they want sex more and earlier on than women, and can have orgasm much more easily so sex is not to please a woman, sex is to please a man. And why women are so worried about ‘getting hurt’ by a man? Because they want emotions out of the relationship. So commitment is for women, and sex is for men. Men want to know that you really fancy them on an instictive level. And they may test if that’s true by offering you no string attached sex. Because they think that if you agree that means you’re really into them. But then, if they sense you only agreed because you wanted to drag them into relationship they will become disappointed and resentful. So you have to be clear about why you’re doing what you’re doing and that is what instinct is all about, check in with your instinct the entire time and you will be fine. At least it always worked for me.
But saying ‘when you f**k me it feels really good so let’s keep on doing it’ is not going to do that for you. And not because you’re too direct, or don’t respect yourself but because you put your sexual needs before his. Men think, instinctively, but they don’t admit it, because as I said, it’s against what society is teaching us, that sex is to please them. They want to meet a woman who fancy them so much that she doesn’t care about anything else, a woman who wants to belong, and that is what our willingness to have sex with a man is about on an instictive level. If they meet that woman, they want to protect her and own her because they know that with her they can get their deepest desires met. They know they won’t get it anywhere else. That’s a powerful instinct and I’m an autistic so I’m good at instinct – that’s why I managed to work that out.
When you are this woman it will be a man who will refuse sex if he can’t have relationship with you. I don’t know why that keeps happening to me? Possibly men suddenly start to worry that it will be them who will get hurt? It’s not something that sex and relationships experts ever talk about, is it? But I have evidence. It happened to me again today.