Again, I was thinking whether to put this on the blog or not, but then sexuality is an important part of my existence and my experience, as an autistic female, seems to be so much different from other autistic females or even non autistic females, that I just cannot omit it on my autistic blog.

First of all, it is said that we, autistics, can’t understand other people intensions and that is needed in order to find a man who really wants to be in a relationship with us and not is just using us for sex. Well, obviously it is true, up to a point, but then I’m crap with understanding other people intensions and I was never used for sex by anyone. Moreover, I was in situations where I wanted to be ‘used for sex’ and it was the man who refused. Believe me, it did happen. More than once, as I say.

I am pretty much in a situation where I know that if I want to have sex, I have 3 options. First option is the men who are so creepy in trying to convince you that they want a relationship, that they don’t even listen to what you are saying, tell you that they love your blue eyes when in fact they are green or start a first date with confessing that they ‘always wanted to marry a Polish woman’. Those men are not fun to be around and again, I’d need to pretend that I want a relationship too, that I’m desperate for one, because otherwise they wouldn’t make a move on me. This is too much trouble and the sex with that men would not be fun for sure so I pass on that.

The second option is to hook up with men online that I did twice or possibly three times but then that wasn’t fun at all. It was not traumatic, just not worth it. I guess there was no attraction there as attraction needs time to build up. Attraction is a game and if you know what is going to happen before you even meet that person, there’s no need to play that game and it all goes rather blah. However, at least I tried and I can now reflect on that experience and I know it’s not for me. It amuses me that one night stands are so widely accepted in the society while having sex with a man that you actually fancy but he’s not sure regarding his intensions towards you it’s not and we’re are constantly being told that we’ll ‘get hurt’. I don’t know, possibly my experience is different because, as an autistic, my emotional reactions are delayed and maybe neurotypical females are getting hurt in similar situations? And it’s then assumed autistic females will get even more hurt because we’re weak due to our disability.

The third type of a situation when I can have sex is, when I’m actually in a relationship. If I’m in a situation where there is a mutual attraction but I’m not sure if I want a relationship, then the man would soon tell me to get clear in my intensions as he’s not interested in friends with benefits situation.

But then, should we be teaching autistic girls to try to work out sex and relationships with emotions, societal expectations and reading body language, which is exactly what we are terrible at?

Again, I wonder if my experience is what it is because I was brought up in a relatively poor country. I don’t know if it’s any different now, but when I was younger people there didn’t spend much money on dates, because they just couldn’t afford to. Girl willingness to eat whatever on a date was actually considered a good sign that she will be a suitable life partner, while in the UK people seem to use man’s willingness to pay for dates as a sign of commitment! Seriously, where people get that thing from? Especially while loads of men have money so they can easily affor to pay for girl’s dinner, even in a fancy restaurant, and it will still be cheaper than a prostitute.

While in Poland, as people couldn’t spend money on dates, we had to use different means to work out if man is taking us seriously. It was a game where no holds were barred. I found that all really confusing, maybe not even assesing if guy is treating me seriously, as that didn’t usually bother me, but if I treated him seriously. What if I fancied him but he had some annoying habits? How could I know how that was going to work out? I didn’t. I had no ability to predict the future, even the very close one. So I finally came up with the solution that I’d tell him that I fancied him so let’s explore this and leave everything else out of the equation because otherwise he’s annoying me. And that’s when it started: he wants to improve, he wants a relationship, it was him who asked if I was taking him seriously and gives me ultimatum. And it didn’t matter that I was a bit overweight and didn’t have fancy clothes.