It happened. I had to email him first as I was thinking that if I wait for him to email first and then don’t respond and wait till he asks me why I went quiet, that may easily last till tomorrow, or who knows, maybe even longer and I’d be agonising over it.
I don’t think I will miss him, or at least not much, but I will probably feel a bit lonely during evenings, when we used to have chats over emails.
I really don’t know how this is happening that I talk about instinct so much and when a relationship doesn’t work, I don’t have any. It’s like I stay there with no understanding that it’s not going to change anywhere, I don’t feel any emotions whatsoever, even if I’m not happy.
He asked me what he did wrong and of course he wanted me back but I managed to respond to that in such a way that would not involve any more information or anything feelings related. I learned the hard way that if I say ‘I love you, but’ or even ‘I respect you, however’ things never end.
I feel really on the edge now. As I said already the last couple of days were really intense, although I can’t really remember why. It feels like I was doing a lot of thinking, but I don’t know how I did it really, how I came up with the idea that I have to break up with him. It feels so clouded now.
I guess I now need to get some good sleep and just let life happen, although I don’t really know how it may work out. I noticed that I approach life as a game recently. Or, possibly, I was always doing that but it got a bit extreme lately. I don’t check in with what’s happening around me, I don’t ask questions, instead I try to work it out myself from various clues. But then, I think, what’s the point of asking if I never quite understand what people are saying. Surely I understand the meaning of words but I don’t really know what’s behind them.
It got to a point that, when I was in Weymouth, I felt like I couldn’t ask wherever that jar of milk on the table was soya or regular milk; instead I poured a little bit into my cup to try it and find out by myself. It was really strange and freaked me out when I realised how bad I got with that. It’s not fun to be me at all.
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