One thing that I didn’t mention yet is, that I didn’t want to be with The Boyfriend because of my blog. I like blogging more and more, it gave me new lease of life. But I realised that The Boyfriend, although supportive of the idea in general, wouldn’t be interested in revealing his identity if I got some media attention. We would never be able to discuss our relationship openly with people who would get interested in me because of my blog. It would be all me speaking, and then it wouldn’t be a good value, would it? And as a result I’d stop blogging and end up miserable again. And then the relationship would end anyway because I’d blame him.
But then, that is what I don’t understand: the ability of some neurotypical women to always put themselves first. I’m autistic, so I should be thinking only about myself, right? So I should have easier time with that. Or at least that’s what people would think. But it’s not like that.
It’s so difficult now, you have no idea. Everything in me wants to scream that future doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is if I can see his face again. But then I remind myself that is not true. The future matters, I just can’t imagine it now.
But as that’s too difficult, I just end up having a cry.