Ok, so I’m in Portland after the first day of my training and I’m having second thoughts. That’s how it often works for me: I don’t know how I feel about something till I’m just about to do it. As I mentioned on the blog I used to really like live in care job so I thought it would be a good idea to go back to it. But then, that was over 10 years ago, I think. At the time I didn’t have my flat, I wasn’t going to the gym and probably, most importantly, I didn’t have my blog and my strange, patterned art.

Obviously, I’d never put my blog over the needs of client and I’d never discuss anything client related on the blog but the thing is, people can Google things nowadays and possibly client’s families, when they find my blog and my art, may decide I’m strange and they don’t want me. Maybe not everyone would do that but some for sure. When I applied for this job I didn’t have my art yet and the blog was just starting out, so I wasn’t really sure if I would be able to keep it (although I did pay for yearly subscription to WordPress to keep myself motivated).

I’ll see how things go, I suppose, after I am already here, but I never ever want to be in a position where I have to deny who I am just to keep a job.

Otherwise I’m confused about my ability to read hints. The hotel receptionist said yesterday that the cook is off sick with covid but she’ll ‘cook the breakfast tomorrow’. I remember she mentioned sausages. I don’t remember what she said next exactly word by word but possibly it was ‘but some people may just want croissant and yoghurt’ which for me meant that breakfast is made to order, however, she was hinting I shouldn’t be bothering her with anything complicated, but it’s ok to ask for sausages on the first morning and on the second I should be happy to just have something simple.

However, when I came downstairs today it turned out that it’s buffet. More over, there was no croissants or yoghurt around. There were quite a few men in the dining room and all the sausages were gone already even though I only came 15 minutes after breakfast started being served. I managed to get hold of the last slice of bacon though, baked beans and scrambled eggs were also still there. I mean, it doesn’t matter, does it? I don’t eat sausages for breakfast at home so I don’t have to have them here but it is a bit confusing when I expect that something will happen and it then doesn’t. From all 3 choices that were mentioned the day before nothing was there. I think I’d prefer not to have any idea about what to expect at all, I would then go with an open mind. At the end (or rather, the beginning of the day) it’s just breakfast and the most important thing is that I don’t starve myself. Yet, the fact that some items were mentioned to me the day before made me expect them and I then felt disappointed that they weren’t there. I don’t even particularly like croissants, I can live without sausages and I eat yoghurt regularly so I’m not that bothered. While baked beans is actually my favourite British food and there were still plenty so I should be happy, but I was not.

That experience now makes me think whether the advice on telling autistic people what is going to happen so that they can get mentally prepared is the right one. I feel quite anxious now about not being able to get croissants and yoghurt tomorrow! Strange, isn’t it?

That’s what the receptionist said: sausages today, croissants and yoghurt tomorrow and the sausages weren’t there today so croissants and yoghurt won’t be there tomorrow either. Nothing else will be there either – I can’t help but that’s what I think. I know it’s not true but that’s how my autistic instinct is interpreting the situation and it is rather stressful!