I feel a bit moody today and like if I lost my confidence. The last couple of months were certainly good for my creativity and to get rid of stress I was under almost constantly but I also feel like I kept myself in my autistic bubble a lot (well, that is probably why I didn’t feel stressed) and I now worry I won’t be able to readjust to working environment again.

Only last week I stated here I’m glad I’ll be going back to work, now I’m not so sure. Talking to people again on a regular basis and making an effort to meet their expectations suddenly feels like too much, like I can’t do it again. I probably exaggerate and I will be fine but that’s how I feel at the moment.

When I think about the past I can’t even believe how much stress I was under when I worked in a care home and it never occured to me that possibly I really need to look for a different job. I mean I knew it wasn’t an ideal place for me but I wasn’t doing anything to change it. I thought I’m just stressed because I’m autistic and I completely forgot that a couple of years ago I didn’t have that problem.

For those of you who only just found my blog, you may want to know why I complain about working in a care home – I have no problem with taking care of people, but I have problem with how full of politics those places are and also the fact that I constantly have to prioritise needs of one client over somebody else. I wish I was able to focus on one person only.

I however realised something peculiar about my beliefs regarding working on zero hours contract. I ask myself if the company where I’d be working would cope without me and the answer obviously is yes. That means for me that I won’t get any jobs because simply there won’t be none. If they can cope without me that means they have no job for me. That’s hilarious, isn’t it?

I did a couple of patterns recently, some are better than others but I’m improving. I can still occasionally make a mess though!