And anyway, it’s only provisional… ok, I’ll come back to this part later.
Since I bought my subscription to PicsArt on the 10th of December last year, I seriously didn’t anticipate this may ever happen, but I don’t want to do any more art at the moment. Not forever, oh no, I’m sure I’ll come back to it, but for now I don’t. It’s not even that I’m tired, it feels more like if I used up all my creativity, there seriously is nothing left. Instead I feel like I want to write. Which may be a good thing actually.
This duality of my interests was part of me since I remember. I can be into psychology or creativity for a few months or at least weeks at a time and then suddenly I decide it’s all rubbish, you can’t explain human behaviour the way psychologists do and visual beauty has no value. I never heard of that as being part of autism but I guess it is, or at least it is for me. It’s quite frustrating because I know I’m an intelligent person and I expect myself to be able to achieve but if I stop being interested in something it makes it feel like the time spent on it was wasted.
I always come back to it later but this lack of continuity is really not helping. This time, I thought, if I go for digital art instead of traditional and won’t have all the messy paint to deal with, things will be different, but it really feels like I had enough for now.
I had an interview today and was asked about three things that are important to me and I couldn’t make myself to say my digital art is important (I mean, it still was at the time). I guess part of the problem here was that I didn’t want to feel silly – even though my interests haven’t been ridiculed too often, it was enough for me to pick up on the fact that they are weird, either the topic or intensity, or both. That’s why it felt so strange to say that. But the other thing was that I don’t talk about my digital art to people and, therefore, I didn’t have words to describe it. It is said that autistic people repeat what they hear from others (or just repeat after themselves, what they once found out to be working in a conversation) and I had no words in my head to describe how I feel about my art. So at the end I didn’t come accross as very eloquent.
I was also asked if I have UK driving licence and I said yes, a provisional one. I thought the lady interviewing me needed to use it as ID (even though I already showed her my ID). The interview was online and it turned out the lady didn’t hear all of my sentence and her next question was if I will be willing to drive company car. I then needed to explain that I can’t but was fully aware that it may well look like if I’m just trying to get away from it (drivers always have more work while the pay is the same for everyone). It made me really uncomfortable as I had no idea how to explain to her that I’m not lazy. Trying to explain that explicitly would only make the situation more awkward, wouldn’t you agree?
At the end I felt like the interview didn’t go too well but I didn’t hear yet what they decided. I guess I will hear tomorrow.
I also made a post on my autistic females Facebook group about hints. I wanted to ask other autistic females if they don’t feel sometimes like they have less opportunities in life because they don’t get hints. The post didn’t get too much attention but one lady told me about very similar experience she had with guys who liked her, when her inability to read and respond to hints made the guys think she only plays with their feelings.
For me it was a bit different: I always knew if a guy liked me but never knew what to do about it, even if I liked him too. I thought that being nice is enough, but somehow it wasn’t as after a short while they always started behaving like if they were angry with me. Exactly like if I rejected them.
I know I wrote about it on the blog already but I’m aware, with the amount I write, no one can be expected to read everything so I want to repeat the parts that I consider especially important.