First of all, I need to say, the warehouse job is much easier than housekeeping in a hotel and it pays more, but somehow I don’t like it too much. I think the main problem for me is that I don’t feel like a part of a bigger system: the warehouse processes returns of online orders for various companies and there’s loads of them. What happens with the shoes that someone must have worn outside before returning (heels were just slightly torn), I don’t really know. Also I don’t know anything about the companies that I process returns for – their structure, what they focus on and their company values. Although obviously I don’t need to know that to manage the returns properly, it really bothers me.
So, at least I found out something important about myself here: when I’m at work, I need to feel like I’m a part of a bigger system and not just do something random that I’d later get paid for. I wonder whether this is related to being autistic and how to manage that when the system is not there. I had an idea in the past to set up my own company but as making an effort towards that I quickly started feeling confused and like if I was lacking direction. I wonder whether not feeling part of the system could have been a problem there.
But then, the system that I’m part of has to work for me. If it doesn’t I feel like I want to break free.
The good thing about the warehouse job is, that the interaction with people are so limited that when I actually have to talk to somebody I feel completely at ease with that and don’t even have problems with looking people in the eye. Almost like if I wasn’t autistic.
I must say, however, even though the job is not extremely demanding, two days on my feet feels like a lot already and I woke up very tired today. I just hope my DBS comes back soon and I can start my live in care job soon.
I did post a few days ago that I feel robotic, I am still a little bit like that but in a way it’s a nice change from feeling emotional all the time. I feel like I’m coping better with life (as long as you don’t go to see the state of my kitchen) and I’d even consider the idea that autism is not a disability if I always feel like that and life never puts me in situations that I can’t cope with (and other people don’t set up social traps for me, like my mum’s care home manager did).
That gave me the idea, though, that possibly I should arrange my life in a way that it’s easier for me (like choosing a job where social contact will be limited) instead of those, where I purposely expose myself to challenges in hope that one day I’ll learn how to cope with them. It turns out like not only I didn’t really learn but also those situations turned out to be unnecesary drains on my resources.