First of all, I need to say, the warehouse job is much easier than housekeeping in a hotel and it pays more, but somehow I don’t like it too much. I think the main problem for me is that I don’t feel like a part of a bigger system: the warehouse processes returns of online orders for various companies. What happens with the shoes that someone must have worn outside before returning (heels were just slightly torn)?. Also I don’t know anything about the companies that I process returns for – their structure, what they focus on and their company values. Although obviously I don’t need to know that to manage the returns properly, it really bothers me.

So, at least I found out something important about myself here: when I’m at work, I need to feel like I’m a part of a bigger system and not just do something random that I’d later get paid for. I wonder whether this is related to being autistic and how to manage that.

Also the system that I’m part of has to work for me. If it doesn’t I feel like I want to break free.

The good thing about the warehouse job is, that the interaction with people is so limited that when I actually have to talk to somebody I feel completely at ease with that and I don’t even have a problem with looking people in the eye. Almost like if I wasn’t autistic.

I must say, however, even though the job is not extremely demanding, two days on my feet feels like a lot already and I woke up very tired today. I just hope my DBS comes back soon and I can start my live in care job.

I did post a few days ago that I feel robotic, I am still a little bit like that but in a way it’s a nice change from feeling emotional all the time. I feel like I’m coping better with life (as long as you don’t see the state of my kitchen) and I’d even consider the idea that autism is not a disability if I always feel like that and life will never put me in situations that I can’t cope with (and other people don’t set up social traps for me, like my mum’s care home manager did).

That gave me the idea, though, that possibly I should arrange my life in a way that it’s easier for me (like choosing a job where social contact will be limited) instead of those where I purposely expose myself to challenges in hope that one day I’ll learn how to cope with them.