OK, so I decided the only real choice I’ve got is to continue to post but in a way that it’s true to how I’m feeling at the time. If I stop and wait till I feel some emotions it would just be another attempt to create a fake persona here, and this is not what I’m aiming for.
So, first of all, I feel very robotic. I mean I don’t feel any emotions, but not in a way that can be attributed to depression, but rather in a way that can be attributed to a robot: my mum is in a care home and she’s never going to leave? Oh well, I’m sure she’s fine there. My brother drinks and it’s unlikely he’s going to take any control of his life ever? Nothing I can do about that. Home Group doesn’t want to apologise to me? Oh, sod them.
You got the idea.
I’m not sad, not hopeless, not even indifferent. Just robotic. I don’t know how else I can better describe it.
I suppose I feel more assertive in this state although it could possibly be at the expense of others, although, as I spend entire days on my own there’s no one to be assertive with – this is just how I feel internally.
New season is going to start on Redecor tomorrow and I’m not even particularly bothered about what it’s going to be. The only thing that I’d like to do now would be to study some maths. I may not really understand it but I find it very therapeutic when I feel like that. It’s only that when I’ll start feeling like a human again I’ll get bored of it and prefer to study human behaviour instead.