900g of tracksuit bottoms

Mum’s parcel is finally ready and it’s supposed to be picked up tomorrow. Due to customs requirements I had to weigh what’s in it, and tops weigh 3.7kg while bottoms only 0.9kg – she really need some more bottoms, it looks like it, but I doubt I’d be sending them from here. It’s too much trouble after brexit.

I weigh the same as when I last went on the scale, but 2.5kg more than in March. I wonder if this is going to be my new weight. I don’t feel like I eat much at all but I drink sweetened drink, including hot chocolate and cappuccino and those are high in calories, plus I don’t really do much so I’m not burning any extra calories. I must admit to myself that I’m never hungry, not even when it’s time for a meal, that unfortunately means I am still consuming more calories that I need for a healthy weight. I’m scared to make a commitment to reduce my calorie intake as I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m using my mind to control my weight. As I already established that doesn’t work long term. But then, if I’m not hungry that means my body doesn’t need food, why I’m not listening to it?

I’m supposed to be starting new, temporary job on Monday, in a warehouse, picking customer orders, apparently mostly clothes and jewellery so nothing heavy. It’s not known how many days a week this job is for, I suppose that depends on how many orders customers placed, which may vary. I once worked in a similar, pre Christmas role, and on some days we were told not to come. I had to buy safety shoes. They were reduced to £29.99, so not much but I do hope that I’d earn more than what I spent on them. I mean, ok, I will earn significantly more in the first day already but being on Universal Credit means that my benefits are reduced by 60% of what I earn so if I only work one day it will mean I worked to pay for shoes pretty much.

Yesterday I went to bed at 8pm as I was tired and woke up 3.30am. That’s 7.5h, so definitely not insomnia but waking up that early definitely feels like that. It looks like I really need a job to keep myself busy!

I wonder how my life will look like when I retire, and later, when I start getting older. If I live that long. To be quite honest I sometimes hope that I won’t. I often think that life has nothing else to offer to me. It’s not depression, just my understanding of reality: I have no family of my own, The Boyfriend lives in another town and I don’t know if we ever live together (it’s quite possible we won’t be able to manage that), I have my own flat and not looking to move anywhere, I travelled some parts of the world, and, as nice as it was, I feel like I don’t necessarily need to do any more of that (although I’d like to visit Japan)… what else can I expect from life?

Well, yes, ok, I have a blog now but I don’t really expect it will give me much recognition and I probably don’t really need that. I still don’t know how to use my Me vs Home Group story to protect other autistics – quite possibly it will be wasted. That is probably what Mr Henderson is hoping for as, you guessed it correctly, he didn’t apologise to me.

So I pretty much live to work, pay my bills and eat. Who knows, that may actually be a reason why I can’t loose any weight. But seriously, what is middle age autistic female supposed to do with herself? And don’t get me wrong, I do not hate my life, I just don’t think it’s terribly exciting.

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