Having a mini meltdown

The last couple of days I tried to look for a job the same way a neurotypical person would, or at least how I imagine they do it. That means applying for every job that I think I have chances of getting, even if I don’t particularly want to work in that place. And the result is, I’m having a mini meltdown now.

It’s really not a good timing as I’ll have an interview for a job I really want to do in just over an hour. It will be over the phone so at least I don’t have to go anywhere.

I already had a couple of interviews and will also have another three tomorrow. One of them was arranged yesterday, when a recruitment consultant called me. The job is in a care home. I told him I’m not looking for permanent job and then he asked me if I can work 3 long days a week. I suppose I can, I said, and this way I will have an interview there.

I feel horrible now, arranging interviews for jobs I don’t really want to do for various reasons feels like I’m disturbing other people order of things. I guess this is autistic equivalent of emapathy: I may find it difficult to imagine how other people feel but I’m really focused on not messing up the system that they are part of. I imagine that they’ll get confused and irritated if I turn up for the interview, they’ll offer me the job and I’ll reject it.

Not messing up the things for them seems much more important than finding a job that I’ll be really happy with (who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind during an interview?).

So I am focused on other people, but possibly not the same way neurotypicals are. I’m not focused on their emotions, I’m focused on the procedures they use to go about their day. But what if they think in a different way than me and don’t analyse everything the same way I do? Don’t plan their every move and making decisions doesn’t take them as much mental effort as me?

2 responses to “Having a mini meltdown”

  1. If you say no to interviews, in a sense you’re saving them time so they can move on to the next candidate.

    I hope the interview today goes well.


    1. Yes, but I had situations where I only went for the interview for the sake of it and then got the job and was happy. So it feels to me like I shouldn’t reject any opportunity and at the same time it feels to me like the more jobs I apply for, the more mess I do.
      Like if all the jobs were connected somewhere in the central job hub that may collapse due to the amount of applications I did 😛
      This is not the first time when I feel things are connected. I know they’re not, that’s illogical, but I think that’s how my instinct works. I’m part of the system where things work together in collaboration and I shouldn’t disturb them…

      Yet, when something really is connected (like when people pass gossips about me or others) I find it impossible to imagine. Like for example when a colleague has a go at another one at work and then everyone knows that even though there was only one witness. I find that really strange.

      Liked by 1 person

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