The last couple of days I tried to look for a job the same way a neurotypical person would, or at least how I imagine they do it. That means applying for every job that I think I have chances of getting, even if I don’t particularly want to work in that place. And the result is, I’m having a mini meltdown now.

It’s really not a good timing as I’ll have an interview for a job I really want to do in just over an hour. It will be over the phone so at least I don’t have to go anywhere.

I already had a couple of interviews and will also have another three tomorrow. One of them was arranged yesterday, when a recruitment consultant called me. The job is in a care home. I told him I’m not looking for permanent job and then he asked me if I can work 3 long days a week. I suppose I can, I said, and this way I will have an interview there.

I feel horrible now, arranging interviews for jobs I don’t really want to do for various reasons feels like I’m disturbing other people order of things. I guess this is autistic equivalent of emapathy: I may find it difficult to imagine how other people feel but I’m really focused on not messing up the system that they are part of. I imagine that they’ll get confused and irritated if I turn up for the interview, they’ll offer me the job and I’ll reject it.

Not messing up the things for them seems much more important than finding a job that I’ll be really happy with (who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind during an interview?).

So I am focused on other people, but possibly not the same way neurotypicals are. I’m not focused on their emotions, I’m focused on the procedures they use to go about their day. But what if they think in a different way than me and don’t analyse everything the same way I do? Don’t plan their every move and making decisions doesn’t take them as much mental effort as me?