I didn’t sleep very long again but I should be ok. I’m thinking now that I’m glad I came and even that I lost my ID and had to stay longer. Due to that I could have seen how my mum’s mental state deteriorated, if I didn’t see that I would not believe she has dementia. Now I know that is unfortunately true.

I’m wondering now if some of her unusual reactions a few years back were possibly early warnings signs that have been missed. I’m thinking here especially about this situation when she had a ‘feeling’ how to get to Moulin Rouge when we were in Paris, which was approximately 10 years ago. Not that anything could have been done at the time as there are no treatments that prevent dementia from progressing.

There’s not enough conversation about aging in the public domain, which is sad. How can I prepare for those situations if nothing is ever being said? It feels like me and my problems have to stay underground.

The Boyfriend told me yesterday he’s proud of me as I achieved a lot. Well, I suppose he’s right, even though I felt low and anxious a lot and needed plenty of rest, the most important things have been achieved: mum is in a better care home and I stopped obsessing about never getting my inheritance. I suppose she needs that money now much more than me to have quality of life. I just need to find a job and I’ll be ok.

I guess I can consider my trip to be mildly successful then: I managed the above without developing another psychotic episode and I still have 9 emergency olanzapine tablets (I think I initially brought 12 with me) but zopiclone is all gone (I think I had 8 to begin with). So that means I can cope with stressful situations. Obviously life has tendency to be stressful at times and I can’t avoid dealing with situations because I’m scared I’ll get psychosis. Unresolved issues will also cause stress at the end.

Why I see this trip as only midly successful then? Because my brother still drinks and neglects himself. Let’s be honest, I say I have no hope for him but then when he doesn’t change I feel disappointed and hurt so that means the hope must have been there, even if I was not aware of it.

It would also be nice if mum’s bank refunded her the money that was stolen, although I realistically know that would take much longer than a few weeks.

I also paid all the bills that my mum asked. Only so that my brother could live in the house undisturbed. He’ll pay after new year, she says.

My train to Kraków leaves at 11.45 but getting to the station is not going to be straightforward as it’s Saturday so I need to leave around 10.15, which is just over 3h. I love Kraków but in this particular situation I’m not looking forward to go there. I’d still prefer to stay here and make sure mum has everything she needs. It’s so difficult, I’m telling you, especially when I know that my brother is drinking and cannot be trusted with absolutely anything.