A meltdown is apparently when an autistic person looses touch with reality, may scream, cry or even lay down under the table. Well, at least that’s what I was made to believe. I never behave this way. I feel like I’m screaming inside but I keep my cool.

I was probably screaming as a child at least from time to time and I also used to be rather stubborn but I got punished for that. My dad didn’t have much patience after his mental health breakdown. I wonder if I just got trained to behave normally even though I feel like all my insides are being pulled out of me. And, even though I am really making an effort to act normal I still feel like I deserve to be punished, like I deserve something bad to happen to me. It’s pretty much like it’s the feeling that deserves punishment, not the behaviour.

Despite feeling that I don’t deserve nice things I’m ending up in the shopping centre and getting myself a scoop of ice cream, malaga flavour. It costs 4PLN, which is approximately 75p, much cheaper than what I would pay in the UK, although to be fair the scoop is rather small.

I then go to eat it to the park that is just outside. The weather is beautiful today.