Mum seemed alert today again and yet barely talked to me. She said again she has a feeling everything is going to be well and even that my brother will stop drinking.
She also asked me why I went back to the UK before dad died (that’s a story for another post altogether). I didn’t know he’s going to die, did I? He was still doing quite ok.
At the end of the visit, when I knew I’d have to leave as there’s another visitor coming, I asked her if she wants me to drive her around in the garden, as the weather is really good today. She refused, she said she’s scared she may trip. ‘But mum, you’re in the wheelchair’ I said but she said again she’s scared.
Just a few months ago she used to go shopping all by herself without a shopping list and she almost never forgot anything.
As I was walking back to the bus stop I had that weird feeling that I don’t deserve things. I don’t deserve coffee out, I don’t deserve new clothes or a cinema only because my mum is not well and I’m leaving her.
I took that strange photo while waiting for return bus to Tomaszów. Me and mum, and no, I don’t have a twin sister but I want it to look like I’m protecting her. It’s a symbol that everything is well, even though mum’s mind doesn’t work like it used to.
Autistic and me 
3 responses to “Me and mum – the last visit this trip”
Perhaps you deserve more good things to make up for losing parts of the mum that you once had.
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It’s difficult for me to look at things like that. I know what you say makes sense but my reaction is automatic.
However, writing this blog seems to be really therapeutic for me and I already feel better. I think writing under my own name for me like allowing myself to have emotions again, that’s how it helps so much.
Thank you for all your kind comments, they give me the feeling of being listened.
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I think that’s a very natural automatic reaction.
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