So… this is not something that I normally talk about. It was always taboo, but my left arm is covered in scars. It’s normally easy to cover it as I am oversensitive to cold but on a really hot day wearing long sleeves becomes a problem even for me.
Yes, I used to self harm on a couple of occasions when I was in my early 20s. First time I tried it it was when I was bullied by my roommate in a student dorm during my first year of university, in Łódź. It was only a couple of scars at the inside of my wrist, nobody would probably noticed anything.
The second time it was when I was studying part time at a private university, after being suspended from the government one. The unemployment in the area where my family lived was 24 percent at the time so no wonder I couldn’t find a job. My dad was going through a maniac phrase of his bipolar at the time and giving everyone troubles. It was winter. I was coming back on the bus from Łódź and missed my connection to Smardzewice. I had to wait at the bus stop for over an hour and there was nowhere to go. There was no cafe close by and no shopping centre at all at the time. So I got really cold and stressed.
Just a few days earlier I saw an article in a magazine about a girl who used to cut her skin to relieve stress. So I thought let me try that too, and it helped. I did it on a couple of more occasions, sometimes while having evening bath. I do not recommend it, however stressed you are.
I stopped quite quickly but got several scars by the time. I tried to remove them later on but only burned my skin. A few years later I tried silicone scar patches and they flattened my scars a lot but didn’t make them invisible.
I tried tattoo but didn’t look for an artist who specialises in hiding scars so again, they’re still visible.
And sometimes I do think: Yes, I self harmed, do you have any problem with that? But I’m not brave enough to do that, so let me write about it instead.