Trigger warning: contains description of some difficult events and mentions serious suicidal thoughts and one suicidal action.
I got my mum’s mobile fixed, I exchanged the slippers I bought for her yesterday (they were too narrow) and I had lunch. That’s not much, I suppose, is it? But I feel so low. I only left the hostel at 10.20am, and now 15.15, I’m already back.
I sometimes wonder what The Boyfriend really thinks about all the problems I keep having. I never felt really rejected by him but there were times when I sensed he was distant. Like for example when we met in Kraków for a couple of days, in 2017, when I was recovering from my first episode.
I really wanted to go and was missing him a lot but we started talking about it in October and when we met it was beginning of December. In October I was still optimistic, but then the more time passed after my episode, the more aware I was that it all happened for real: The Company really claimed in Employment Tribunal that my diagnosis was private and they really didn’t want to take any responsibility for what happened to me.
You can say I shouldn’t try to build on drama and that the idea of campaigning through Employment Tribunal was a silly one and I agree with you completely. But the thing is, when I try to do something positive, there’s never anyone around to help me and it’s impossible to build anything meaningful on your own. So I guess I was hoping that destroying will be easier. Silly me, I agree with ypu on that.
So, coming back to my psychotic episode: my hallucinations started on 7th of September 2017, that was the day that I went back to Poland. They lasted around 10 days and then they finally stopped, but end of hallucinations didn’t mean I was fully recovered. I had problems with distinguishing what happemed for real and what was in my head only as a result of my illness. Also I didn’t fully realise the severity of my situation: I had no job, no benefits and my flat key was lost but I was happily spending time painting some abstract pieces in acrylic with elements of collage.
The reality didn’t bother me at first at all. That’s when I arranged my and The Boyfriend date in Kraków.
In November I started having panic attacks almost every evening. They were so scary, felt like if someone kicked me in the stomach, they were making me unable to move. But The Boyfriend already booked his flight so I didn’t want to cancel. I will survive somehow, I thought.
Mind you, the psychiatrist I was seeing as outpatient, was not that helpful at all. She told me the panic attacks were ‘in my head only’ so she won’t be doing anything about them. She just reminded me to take my antipsychotics. But the psychosis was also in my head only, and, mind you, by the time it already left, so why the psychiatrist was focusing on it so much and ignored panic attacks?
So yes, I went to Kraków, with some spending money from mum (bless her) but it wasn’t really much and I felt guilty that I wanted more. And then the heating in the hostel didn’t work full time, only during the night but it was cold in the day time. I’m very sensitive to cold, apparently it can be an autistic thing. I felt like I could barely cope.
On my second day I asked The Boyfriend if he wants me to leave early so that he could at least enjoy his holiday, instead of looking at my misery. He said no, he wanted me to stay.
I helped him to organise trip to Wieliczka Salt Main but didn’t go with him. I was there just a year earlier and didn’t want to spend too much. At least he said after it was really worth going.
On the third day I went to psychiatric hospital that was nearby, explained my situation, was seen by a young psychiatrist and was given trazadone to help me sleep but it didn’t work a bit.
I don’t really remember that much from that holiday apart from the feeling that I didn’t deserve it.
When we were parting in Kraków Main Station, The Boyfriend was distant and cold. He did give me a goodbye kiss though and said we should stay in touch. It sounded like a threat. I knew he never aproved the drama with The Company and tribunal so later on that day I sent an email to the tribunal that I want to withdraw my claim.
In the evening of that day I started having really serious suicidal thoughts. My mum had to call for an ambulance. If she didn’t, I’d probably wouldn’t be here today, writing this.
I remember that feeling after I withdrawn my claim: my life lost all it’s meaning within minutes. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to aim for.
I spent around 7 weeks after that in psychiatric hospital. I was discharged in February but was quick to come back after I took 18 lorazepams while using computer in Smardzewice library.
I’m really grateful to The Boyfriend that he didn’t dump me at the time. I know he’s not perfect, neither of us are but he’s my personal hero. I’m so glad that I have him, that I can always reach out to him to discuss stuff that bother me. I want to thank him from here for being with me.