When I was reading online about how one may end up on safeguarding barred list (being on one would prevent me from ever getting job in care) I found two conflicting sources of information: one stated that I have to provide my interpretation of events or I’ll be put on it, the other that I only need to provide my interpretation of events if I’m asked to do that.

And then I left the country. I don’t know what’s happening with that. Possibly the letter is already at my address and I just didn’t see it. Possibly I want the destiny to decide for me. Possibly I want to get support to find a different job but have no option to do that, no one would understand why I could work in care for like 13 years and now suddenly I can’t.

I wouldn’t know what to write in my side of the story anyway. ‘I did what I did because I was under enormous stress. I shouldn’t probably be at work but then the main source of stress was my mum who then lived with me so I didn’t want to call in sick. I’m autistic and that’s how I think.’ That doesn’t sound too good, does it? It sounds like, if circumstances are not right, I can make a mistake because I’m autistic. But then, does that not apply to everyone of us?

Being on safeguarding DBS list feels so final and also stigmatising but also I don’t want to fight the destiny. Possibly change is what I need?

At the same time I wanted to say in here that I liked the aspects of care in my care job. I liked my one to one time with residents, I liked cooking for them and giving medications. It was my colleagues that I found difficult to deal with: constant chit chat, bringing family problems to work, the fact that everyone applied rules in a different way. It all made me so tired and on the edge.

It feels like it’s not ok that I have to give up this kind of job for that reason. It seems like it should be them who need to adjust not me, but even though I’m autistic, I know it’s not possible: we can’t request people to stop using their own personality. But then actually why, that’s what is requested from me on a permanent basis.

So… I just need to find a job now and everything will be well.