I was reading today about how to find a job after one was sacked. It’s not an easy task I suppose. I do hope Job Centre can help me with that as I really lost loads of confidence. I’d really like to go for some kind of job trial where I could see how a different environment and different tasks work for me.

I must admit that in my last job I was this person who, like it is sometimes referred to, has been there for too long. I didn’t allow myself to try anything new, worried that it won’t work out again, like other things that I tried in the past (my novel, my employment tribunal, my teaching career, my art) so I stayed there but I had no enthusiasm.

I think my employer didn’t take into consideration all the stress that I’ve been through before I committed the misconduct but at the same time I feel like I should apologise to them for not being the best version of myself and only pretty much staying in that job because it was safe. I do understand every employer deserves better than that.

Just to clarify, I didn’t dislike the job, I disliked the fact that I didn’t have anything exciting going on in my life.

And now I put myself in a position where I have to explain to all the prospective employers why I lost that job. But it’s not like I am a bad person, I’m only someone who made bad decisions more than once.

Which brings my attention to my dad. I’m sure he was also autistic, but at the time this condition was not being as widely recognised as it is today. He worked as a welder but had a mental health breakdown that he never recovered from. It was very likely due to flashing lights that he was exposed at work. He was then told that he’s unable to work at all, while he was a hardworking person. He must have not understand why he cannot work when he was willing to. And I think if he was supported to find a different job he’d feel better for it.

I sometimes worry I end up like him, angry with people that they don’t act how I expect them and with situations not unfolding like I want them. I tend to challenge people when this happens and I can only see after a while that is not a good approach at all. My dad used to do that too, not understanding that his behaviour looks silly to people from outside. Also not understanding that, apart form not being able to work, his life was not bad. My mum took all aspects of taking care of the house and him on herself.

I see a lot of him in myself, trying to change how the world is run, getting frustrated when it doesn’t work. That’s what my disability is for me: I want to achieve something and I can’t so I get frustrated. After a while I force myself not to try but I’m still unhappy.

This blog is like a therapy, like middle ground: I write but no one is forced to read it or reply. Also, because it is public, I focus more on how the things I write look from other people perspective, which I find very difficult when I just write an email.

I hope things will stay like this. Please, for all my future employers, I want you to know that I’m only trying to get my needs met by blogging. I did make some mistakes in the past but I’m not a bad person and definitely not a lazy one. Please give me a chance.