I sneaked into mum’s care home today around lunch time (door is never locked) as there was no one in the hallway. I had some bits and pieces for her but I also wanted to see her. I just said ‘this is for you’ and was just about to leave when she asked ‘how much do I owe you?’

She says those strange things, probably wanting to keep me for a few more minutes. At least I hope that’s why as she doesn’t even have any access to money now.

No one made sure that the rest of her pension, that is left after care home deduction, gets delivered there for her. It still goes to her bank account that she has no ability to access.

Sometimes I wonder why I worry so much. Why I can’t just be happy that there’s still enough money for that private care home. It seems like I see no entry sign everywhere. It goes like that: ‘If mum is in a private care home I’ll worry that she will live for too long and I won’t be able to afford it at some point’. ‘If my benefits get cancelled it means that possibly at some point I won’t be able to provide for myself’. Somehow I do forget that if my mum passes away a few weeks after I’ll leave in a hurry I will never forgive that to myself. This is about feelings and relationships and those are easy to forget while trying to work out what procedure should I follow to get the best outcome in how I see life.

‘How much do I owe you?’ Poor mum. When she says things like that I just want to take care of her. Make sure she’ll never runs out of what she needs and that she has beautiful nightie when she’s in bed. The green one that she had on today was from the care home. Mummy, she deserves what’s best.