So I saw The Friend today. It did help a bit, both talking to her but also being away.

I still feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have to make all the decisions myself. Obviously I spoke with The Friend but she cannot tell me what to do. It almost feels to me that I’d prefer if my mum didn’t have any money left. We’d cope somehow, like we used to before she sold the first piece of land. We wouldn’t be happy but we’re not happy now so what’s the difference?

We’re not a family that put elderly parents into private care homes, not any care homes really, and my mum wouldn’t need to be in one if my brother behaved himself. Did I tell you that I believe he caused my mum to fall, probably by hitting or pushing her. I have no evidence but I spoke with both of them and collected 3 versions of events. That’s telling.

How I imagine that is first they had an argument that she started (in his opinion) by telling him to stop drinking. He replied saying that he drinks because he wants to and he copes very well. Possibly he added that he’s one level above everyone else. She continued. He went to his room, quite possibly, so she followed him. She could not contain her disappointment. He started screaming, was absolutely furious. She didn’t stop, she continued to tell him that he has a problem. And then he pushed her. She’s short and fragile. She ended up on the floor.

Alternatively he demanded money and she refused.

I’m thinking how my brother is never abusive towards me, but he was to my mum. But I don’t tell him ‘you have to stop drinking, sort yourself out, why you’re not like other people, how are you going to end up?’ He gets irritated about that, or probably I should have said he gets furious. And that’s not even working anyway.

I don’t tell him anything, I try to keep myself to myself, provide some bread and cheese spread so that we have something to eat and I talk to him as little as possible.

So, coming back to the other problem: should I move my mum to a private care home?

It feels to me that money should be spent on something more tangible, like house refurbishment for example, but my brother is not going to carry even the smallest project and I can’t stay here to take care of it. Even if I did, it would all get ruined very quickly.

In a way I’m hoping that when I go to the bank on Wednesday, I’ll be told there’s no money left. Mum would then have to stay in the government care home and my brother would have to provide for himself, including his drinking, but nothing of that would be my fault.

It also seems to me that by thinking excessively of my mum’s care home situation I am avoiding the real problem which is my brother’s drinking. Unfortunately this is not something that I can solve. He actually went for detox about 3 years ago, it took my mum 2 years to organise it through court as my brother didn’t want to go. He was eventually taken by police and he said that on the way back he’s going to buy a bottle of vodka and drink it as soon as possible, which he did. I don’t remember now what my mum said apart from that but I wouldn’t be surprised if he came back drunk.

It’s feels not fair to remove my mum from the house. It’s my brother who should be removed, but the thing is she’ll let him back in the moment he comes knocking.